How Minecraft Gave Me An Existential Crisis

This is a horror game it’s also a horror game isn’t supposed to be a horror game but it is  the game that scares me the most my name is   xayllernste and today I’m going to explain why the  simplistic Sandbox game I’ve been playing since I  

Was 11 scares me in a way that no horror game does  now I know what you’re thinking Minecraft is the   scariest game are you stuck in 2010 when stories  of Herobrine make you too scared to walk in the  

Dark at night well no oil is not anymore but let’s  not talk about that before Minecraft became the   game that terrified me to the core it was actually  the opposite it was a source of all calm an escape  

A break from reality it brought me away from all  the things I hated and feared away from homework   assignments exams and taxes I’d come home from  a day of school boot up the game and spent my   time doing whatever I wanted Minecraft was my  creative playground where I was free to make my  

Own stories if you want to beat the game as fast  as possible the game lets you do that if you want   to beat the game while being in a boat the entire  time the game lets you do that if you want to kill  

Everything and enslave an entire generation of  villagers to satisfy your inner dictator but   then more power to you the game lets you do that  if you want to spend 5 years of your life playing   hardcore mode and then dying anti-climatically to  a baby zombie your name is ph1 Elsa geez what a  

Stupid name imagine naming yourself something  that’s hard for other people to pronounce man   what a dick but congratulations Mr filza the game  lets you do that too this freedom to do whatever I   wanted really vibed with me my favorite subjects  in school were math and science so my coffee in  

The Gap as my outlet for creative stuff I’d go  from creatively building a solid cube stone brick   house in my first world to an unfinished mansion  in my second world to whatever the hell this is in  

My third world things were going well and then  on one fateful day I will develop this strange   feeling an unknown fear there was the sense of  uneasiness each time I continued my third survival   world that the impending doom was looming right  in the corner but I could never really pinpoint  

What it was it must be the fear that’s created  by the ambience of the game I thought I’d keep   my guard up this will pass I won’t have to stay  in the nether for long I told myself I’d exit  

The Nether and then the fear continued but I  tried to think nothing of it I’d be frightened   by the Cave ambiences of the Overworld and my  mind would be temporarily freed from this fear but then it would come back if it was the  game’s Ambience that feared why was I still  

Scared of it even when it’s no longer there a  small part of me would worry a small part of   me would be scared and I would not know why I  still enjoyed the game I love doing the usual  

Things like building a house fighting mobs and  Mining a cave for resources until I ran out of   torches but this unknown fear would continue to  Fester each time I booted up the launcher I would   receive a small sense of dread it wasn’t until I  began making videos about Minecraft that I began  

To realize what this fear was I wasn’t afraid of  the possibility of the game potentially sneaking   some horror elements into my world without  my knowledge waiting for the moment to strike   the ambience of Minecraft played into the  immersion but it wasn’t what I was truly afraid of  

I was afraid that I would one day quit the game  permanently you see Minecraft is a Sandbox it’s   open world it’s randomly generated but most  importantly it was endless and had no story this   isn’t like Persona 5 Royal where the game ends  once you defeat the final boss and the credits  

Start rolling Minecraft had no end to the game  technically the end is kind of force advertising   because you’re not gonna stop playing the game  once you defeat the Ender Dragon Minecraft truly   ends when you stop playing it my fear was that  one of these days I replaced my last block I  

Will break my last block and I will leave the  game never to return leaving behind everything   I had done in the world with any evidence of  me ever existing to slowly fade away and be   lost to time in a weird kind of way part of me  actually wishes I never discovered this fear  

Ignorance is a bliss the unknown has always been  a bit of a comfort to me you know once I truly   know what I was afraid of I began to constantly  worry if this was the last thing I ever do in the  

Game or if this large project can be done before I  quit the game forever while it’s not a one-to-one   comparison this feels somewhat similar to how I  feel in real life I’m 21 years old and in June  

This year I’ll be 22. another step closer to my  death knowing that I will pass away at any given   moment in the future scares me it could happen  when I’m 70. it could happen when I’m 40 or it  

Could even happen tomorrow and I constantly worry  if I have left enough of an impact in this world   before I leave it for good whether I have said how  I really feel to those I care about in life before  

I lose my opportunity to do so Minecraft terrifies  me the most out of any game because it fears me in   a way that’s unique compared to horror games it  touches on an existential fear I have that life  

Has no meaning or that I haven’t given my life  any meaning yet why are you trying to escape   the inevitable you know what you’re doing is  meaningless right you will leave as a nobody you   are insignificant you are replaceable no one will  remember you you have not done enough it is too  

Late to change that now these were the thoughts  that feeded my fear of quitting your game forever   but why is that what makes Minecraft in particular  so special to me it’s not the only game I’ve been  

Playing for a very long time there are plenty of  other games I’ve been playing since my childhood   and yet I could just quit all of them easily and  not feel any form of grief doing so why is that   but they simply didn’t have what Minecraft had  they didn’t have what makes Minecraft Minecraft  

But then what is Minecraft then say you may ask  funnily enough you’ll get a different answer   depending on who you ask to Outsiders Minecraft  is just a simple Sandbox game developed by Mojang   to Redstone engineers and Builders Minecraft  is a canvas for their endless creativity  

To j-slad Minecraft is not knowing how to  play Minecraft building your third heart as   you survive through your first night and if  you ask me I think Minecraft is all of these   it’s hearing your friend in school talk about  this cool new game where everything’s a cube  

That gives you the freedom to do whatever you  want and wanting to give it a try yourself   it’s trying to survive through your first night at  bare bottom Health completely lost and in fear for  

Your life as you figure out how to play the game  then watching the sun rise as you breathe a sigh   of relief is exploring a cave for the first time  and then finding your first diamonds jumping for   joy knowing that you’ve just passed a major  Milestone it’s staying up late playing with  

Your friends back when the game was much simpler  back when life was much simpler and your biggest   worries were getting a good enough grade so your  parents wouldn’t be mad then looking back in the   next day and seeing that your friends have gift  their house those [ __ ] is Googling how the hell  

Do I not be trash at Minecraft after dying because  you walked into a cactus was trying to escape a   trade the llama and before you know it you’re  binging Minecraft videos on YouTube hitting the   like button on the videos you enjoy Minecraft  is all of these at once because Minecraft is  

About making memories Minecraft is the story  of someone placing their first block and one   day placing their last and that’s why the thought  of me quitting it one day absolutely terrifies me   because I’ve played Minecraft for so long there’s  a memory of it at every point of my life having to  

Move on is also having to accept that nothing in  life is permanent having to accept that my life is   impermanent it makes me hesitate to ever trust or  spend my time on something because it won’t last   but that got me reflecting and I asked myself  an important question that will lead me down  

The path of acceptance how exactly did  I come across Minecraft to begin with   well I began playing Minecraft in the fifth  grade of elementary school I heard about it   from my classmate and decided to give it a try  over the year and holidays I would then play  

It all throughout High School my friends and I  would play the Pocket Edition in between classes   and during lunch break with her friendly battles  on Clash Royale and then moved over to Minecraft   to continue our fight there whenever we got bored  peace was never an option between us everything  

Was looking great I scored Straight A’s for my o  levels except second language Chinese because I   suck things were looking up and the future was  looking bright and at the height of everything   it all came crashing down I fell into depression  during a levels my mental health withered along  

With my ability to focus on my studies which  led to my first time failing academics I was   an a student how did I get here how did I go  from acing my tests to failing them was it all  

A fluke if I was smarter I wouldn’t have thrown  away my future like this I have lost in life   these were the thoughts that echoed in my head and  constantly reminded me of my failure while on the   outside I was the same person everyone knew before  internally I was barely keeping myself together  

For one last semester barely making it past the  requirements I entered the university while I was   still uncertain about everything lost in life  trapped in my own Thoughts with no one to help   falling deeper and deeper down a  hole I could never see the end of

But throughout all these moments in life in  good times and bad times Minecraft was always   the game I fell back on when I simply needed a  break from reality I wasn’t an ex-top scoring   a-star student barely stripping by my a level  so my degree I wasn’t a failure of a son who  

Couldn’t make my parents proud no matter what I  did I was just saying taking a break from all the   worries of Life taking a breather before facing  his problems head on once again letting go of   Minecraft will be letting go of the one thing that  has stayed constant throughout most of my life  

Today I quit Minecraft will be the day I let go of  the one thing I have kept since my teenage years A   Farewell to my childhood and a potential farewell  to all the memories I have that made me the man I  

Am today but that’s okay I don’t have to fear  change because change is good I have to accept   that the Minecraft I know is changing constantly  the game I played in 2012 is not the same as the  

Game I play today if I could accept the fact that  all my favorite OG YouTubers who I used to watch   are no longer making videos I’d be interested in  if I could accept the fact that diamonds aren’t as  

Special as when I first mined them back in 2012  and generally earned that special anymore today   then surely when the day comes that Minecraft  is no longer the game that I have fun with I   can accept that too it doesn’t mean all those  years were a waste it doesn’t mean all those  

Memories were worthless or no longer have any  value because part of accepting life is part   of accepting that things change to improve is to  change despite the rocky start I would persevere   and graduate my University with first class honors  despite my confusion as to what I want to do in  

Life I eventually got tired of imagining Life  as a YouTuber and you’re seeing my journey to   becoming one right now despite everything in life  crashing down depression lost and I am still here   today talking to you the changes to constantly  be evolving as a person and if another game takes  

Minecraft’s place in the future that’s fine by me  is this knowledge that one day will be the last   day I play my favorite game that makes everything  I do much more significant the same way knowing  

That I would die one day became a motivation  for me to plan my future so I would have no   regrets when that happens knowing your time is  limited is an encouragement to spend it wisely   I could let my fear consume me as a stagnate  without action or I could use my limited time  

To leave something behind that proof I was ever  here to leave an impact on others the same way   those that have inspired me have even if I quit  Minecraft will never be truly gone for me for I  

Have enough memories to last me a lifetime but  hey that day is still pretty fine to the Future   I’m not going anywhere anytime soon you’ll be  stuck with me for another year or two or three  

So subscribe and join my community as we see  where this journey leads us and if you want my   explanation as to why I said that diamonds aren’t  special anymore then check out this video where   I talk about all the reasons as to why diamonds  lost their specialty but before I see you there  

I’d like to thank everyone for the support you’ve  shown in the last video Happy New Year cheers