LDShadowLady – Empires SMP : The Musical

[WAVES LAPPING AT THE SHORE] Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a dream, She longed to reign over each pond, lake and stream She said, “Every last river and the deep blue sea All of it, one day, will belong to me” “They’ll all call me Lizzie, the Ocean Queen

And when I’m in power, I’ll live in a tower In a palace of prismarine” And true to her word, she got in her boat And bravely sailed away But no empire, let alone one that floats Could ever be built in a day Made an island of lily pads How’d that look? Pretty bad

Got a parrot, my first loyal subject I might have slightly killed it Axolotl royal guards Trained them up to fight real hard And I dreamt of my own future palace But first I had to build it From prismarine Prismarine Made a death-trap guardian farm How’d that go? Worked a charm!

Found people to work in the market They may have been abducted Swapped fish that I’d caught For some emeralds then for quartz And I planned out my own future palace Which soon would be constructed From prismarine Prismarine So I gathered all my blocks Cobblestone and moss and rocks

To make myself a sturdy base Then came the tower and spiral staircase Robbed a reef of all its coral How’d that feel? Kind of immoral To build a dome then add to that An axolotl habitat It has problems to speak the truth Spawning mobs and a leaky roof

But still it’s the most glorious thing I’ve seen And I live here with Sir Strawberry and Lady Marceline In my palace of prismarine Prismarine Prismarine Prismarine Just across the pond grew a kingdom like no other And the Ocean Queen would learn that the ruler was her brother

Jimmy the Codfather had a plan to make a dime By having a monopoly on all the server’s slime In the Grimlands lived fWhip, an explosives engineer Who mostly cares for salmon, the only fish he holds dear A rivalry between the two had caused a great divide

To condone cod or support salmon, one must now decide Come gather round, I’ll tell you a tale Of action, deception, anger and betrayal This was the moment when the Cod War began Everybody’s calling it the great salmon scam Someone had meddled with my royal guards fWhip made a trip, left a calling card

A stranger swam by, he was probably a spy So I put him in a bucket and I quarantined the guy It’s the perfect plan The great, great, great salmon scam I’d annoy fWhip and line my pockets too I would make a trade, I needed rocket fuel

He wanted some salmon so I went and caught a ton Travelled to his home and so a deal could be done I showed him my haul, he said that it sufficed He gave me the fuel: “They make the wings go fly fly” Then we flew off and put the salmon in a lake

Little did he know that he had made a big mistake It’s the perfect plan The great, great, great salmon scam I had to tell my seabling that it was all on track So I went to see him, in his empty shack Led him to the lake, then he said: “Start the hunt!”

Let my axolotls loose, so they could have some lunch fWhip got revenge, a final act of malice Flying monstrosities, all around my palace A trail of airborne salmon from the scene of the crime The Cod War may continue for a long long time An imperfect plan The not-so-great salmon scam

Alas, the Cod War was not the only conflict to be seen More trouble was brewing that involved the Ocean Queen Deep inside the jungle, the Lost Empire lies Ruled by Joey, a chaotic and most mischievous guy Meanwhile in Mythland, Lord Sausage formed a guild Where customers could pay to have their rivals killed

This is the tale of how these rulers’ paths crossed When the Queen found that one of her oceankin was lost Isn’t this an awful piece of news to start the day I heard that Joey took my axolotl far away And while in flight, that evil thief did tumble off the tower

But still he took my baby boy, my darling little flower So I left my empire and I took a jungle trek I found his central temple and I stormed right up the steps Angered by his insolence and driven to a rage

I stole the Tiger Blood Prince and I put him in a cage I spotted Joey spying, so I put him to the test Let us meet at sundown in the desert to the west Nobody gets hurt and we still both get our own way

He said: “If you try any funny business, there’ll be hell to pay” I went to visit Sausage in his empire to the south A place where many enter but few ever make it out He laughed and he said: “Welcome to the assassin’s guild”

I informed him of the stand-off and I said, “Have Joey killed” So we met at sundown by the desert rail tracks We both pressed a lever and we got our babies back Then Sausage the assassin shot us both stone dead He said he’d double-crossed me then he tossed me Joey’s head

We both got what we wanted and we got what we deserved In our selfishness we both forgot to self-preserve And so a double murder somehow brought us back together And now our pair of empires can live in peace forever Right? The Ocean Queen would focus on her enemies no longer

She started forming plans to make her empire stronger An alliance with Mezalea, the scorched and bone-dry mesa May bring the heir of royal birth that one day would replace her And luckily, King Joel had developed quite a crush The thought of the Queen next door was enough to make him blush

So one day, King Joel sailed up to her land To invite her on a boat ride, then ask to take her hand You could say it’s a date No, that’s a boat A cause to celebrate A thing that keeps us afloat I’ve just always felt so close to you You live next door

So I suppose that’s true In Japan, they call it koi Isn’t that a type of fish? Italians say amore That’s a type of eel I guess what I mean is that I wanted to say I can’t express how good you make me feel This could be love Reel, reel love Reel, reel, reel

Reel, reel, reel Love Let’s make our kingdoms stronger Make weapons, go to war? Just stand right on this spot here Sure but what’s it for? Here’s a proposal, I just need the ring I’m incredibly confused Why’s it raining scaffolding? You’ve stolen my heart How much health have you got?

My love runs deeper than the ocean So a few dozen blocks? I’m saying there’s an awful lot of fish in the sea But there’s always only been one for me This could be love Reel, reel love Reel, reel, reel Reel, reel, reel Love Lizzie, will you marry me? Yes!

In order for the Ocean Queen’s marriage to be true She had to gather four things: old, new, borrowed and blue She needed help to find them for her wedding-day parade And so, the future bride went to visit all her bridesmaids I set my sights on a piece of fruit

Rare and gold, enchanted to boot With Pearl the gilded farmer by my side After hours on our sandy quest Killing creepers and searching chests Pearl said: “Erm, Lizzie? I’ve had one the whole time” When our skills are combined There is nothing we can’t find Next I needed item two

And so in hope of something new I went to visit Gem at Crystal Cliffs The trip was over in a hurry “I have lots of something new, don’t you worry!” She gave to me a shard of amethyst When our paths are aligned There is nothing we can’t find I’ll treat them with care

It’s the moment for a fanfare For I’ll marry my Mezalean fiancé Something old, something new Something borrowed, something blue All to wear upon my wedding day Two now down, the third soon followed This time it was something borrowed From the Overgrown, where flowers bloom Katherine said: “Follow me this way!”

Then she led me to the case At the centre of her treasure room When our friends all come through There is nothing we can’t do Finally came number four The end of my pre-wedding tour The Undergrove, to talk to Shrub the gnome Where the shortest one among us

Said: “Here, have some warped fungus” Victorious, I made my way back home I’ll hold them all close It’s the time to make a toast For I’ll marry my Mezalean fiancé Something old, something new Something borrowed, something blue Something old, something new Something borrowed! Something old, something new Something borrowed, something blue

All to wear upon my wedding day On the wedding day, all came bearing gifts Including matching tridents, bestowed by Pixlriffs The Pixandrian nomad known as the Copper King Who wandered round the world trading just about anything But one uninvited guest had descended on the church

To cast infernal darkness from upon his lofty perch Xornoth was a demon hellbent on destruction Intent on cloaking kingdoms with his blood-red corruptions So now we must part from our tale of romance To follow the pace of a diabolical dance I’m the vision from all your nightmares

I’m the source of all your screams I torture and I paralyse I crush all of your dreams I’m the baddest around, I assure you The destroyer of your world So you think you can escape me? Think again, my little girl It takes two to tango So let me count you in

You’re on your feet so dance along Come join my world of sin You treat me with indignation But the truth is so thinly veiled The might I possess it allures you The greed in you prevails That power you’ve always dreamt of It could be yours one day You swear it won’t consume you?

Think again, my protégé It takes two to tango So let me count you in You know the steps so dance along Come join my world of sin To you, I’m a compulsion You’re spellbound by my smile Give up control to me now I’ll possess you for a while You lust for domination

I torment you and you fawn You think you want the truth now? Think again, my little pawn It takes two to tango So let me count you in You hear the beat so dance along Come join my world of sin I seep into each recess Devour each shred of hope

I linger for eternity You bind me, I cut the rope I’ve got tendrils in this planet Drive me back, I’ll re-appear You think you can contain me? Think again, my brother dear It takes two to tango, So let me count you in It’s in your blood so dance along

Come join my world of sin Meanwhile, the Ocean Queen made two discoveries The first was an ancient tome containing many prophecies The second tome told the legend of the ocean orb Which the Queen vowed to find and add to her treasure hoard Her ally from House Blossom then provided her some intel

The orb’s current owner was Scott of Rivendell The elf had ventured far from his empire of snow And stumbled upon the Queen in her underwater grotto Feast your eyes as I share my glorious wares They’re precious antiques, they’re exquisitely rare A magical ink sac, some ancient bamboo A dish of deliciously devilish stew

Make up your mind What fabulous find will it be I don’t suppose you have any glorious footwears I’ve got a fishing rod, an enchanted book An iron ingot and a tripwire hook A hand-crafted stick and a powerful bow A dinosaur bone and a tasty potato Make up your mind

What fabulous find will it be I’ve got a deal with destiny A bargain with fate This business is bound to profit me As long as that fool takes the bait I mean that’s all very nice, it’s all very well But I’ve got those things at Rivendell

I’m hoping for something a little bit new Those boots over there look like they could do I’ve made up my mind That fabulous find is for me They’re just old leather, but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure They’re yours I actually meant the shinier pair

Would they be something you’re willing to spare You know I like diamonds, you know I love gold And teal just suits me or so I’ve been told I’ve made up my mind That fabulous find is for me I’ve got a deal with destiny A bargain with fate

This business is bound to profit me As long as that fool takes the bait That sounds fair, but what about me I’m a generous soul, but I don’t give for free Rivendell has such a lot in its coffers Surely there’s something of worth you can offer Erm of course, I’ve got

The oldest wood from the tallest pine The toughest stone from the deepest mine The purest snow from the highest peak The softest wool from the fluffiest sheep Make up your mind What fabulous find will it be How about that robe Not a chance How about the owls Absolutely not That thing looks interesting

What thing? That thing in your hand, you’ve been holding it this whole time Oh, this piece of junk– I mean, valuable treasure Yes, that’s what I want So, do we have a deal? Deal I’ve got a deal with destiny A bargain with fate This business is bound to profit me

Now that this fool’s made a deal with destiny A bargain with fate This business is bound to profit me Now that this fool took the bait [WAVES LAPPING AT THE SHORE] The orb began to glow a strange and eerie hue Then the Queen grew gills and fins, and then her skin turned blue

She’d found the orb and got her wish But how was she to know it would turn her to a fish? I’ve got to deal with destiny I’ve bargained with fate This business is bound to the prophecy Am I the fool? Have I just made a mistake?

Over in the Mesa, Joel was sitting by his dock When something from the water came and gave him quite a shock The heiress of the Ocean flicked her tail with a swish And asked him, “Would you still love me if I was a fish?” While the Queen explained the situation to her lover

The other rulers united to take on Scott’s demon brother A plan was hatched by six of them to bring him down for good While Xornoth, none the wiser, terrorised the neighbourhood Puppets in my hand And I’m feeling right Tendrils in the land And it’s in my sights World domination Soon to be mine

No cooperation? Well that’s fine It means all the more for Big Daddy XorXor That’s what they call me Or for short Xorny Pour me out some ichor Fill it to the brim Blood’s getting thicker Sipping as I sin You’re gonna see more of Your old friend Xornoth You’ll learn, I’ll never return

To the boredom I was borne of Scott’s in the library Getting kinda wise Says he’s got a plan For XorXor’s demise Xorny doesn’t care though Says he isn’t scared so Read a book, try your luck Xorny really doesn’t give a– For your information I have got an education Scott never showed up

To my graduation First, Demon High School Then, Demon College Where’d you think I got All of this demon knowledge? Demon University Top of every class You think you can catch me In a little bit of glass? Okay, you caught me Embellishing my lore I don’t need exaggeration I’m the Champion of Exor

You’re gonna see more of Your old friend Xornoth You’ll learn, I’ll never return To the boredom I was borne of Look what they’re doing now Writing out a spell The demon from the east Is going back to hell Got a list of things That’ll make Xor cower They’ve got the smarts

And they’ve got more power If you want power Well Xornoth’s got some I pack more punch Than a sawn-off shotgun I’ve got more action Than Die Hard 2 And your little faction’s A try-hard crew You’re gonna see more of– Trap him in a cell And keep him off the streets

Your old friend Xornoth Listen to him yell Yeah they’re taming the beast You’ll learn, I’ll soon return Charmed like a Halliwell Never be released And then this world will burn Heading back to Rivendell Cooking up a feast So Xornoth had been crystallised and finally subdued

Scott hosted a banquet with good cheer and gourmet food There was cake, meat and pickles, a mysterious stew But then a big announcement caused disorder to ensue fWhip had forged a crown to rule them all for a time Whoever wore it could make the others fall into line

The trouble was every ruler thought they deserved to have it And in a show of force, took a step forward to grab it So the feast turned to chaos It was carnage And against all the odds Jimmy was coronated Made an order To build a lake for our cod As a loyal seabling

I set off to grant his wish Looking for abandoned And neglected little fish The crown Jimmy wears the crown Jimmy wears the crown After that Scott took over Stopped us flying Said we should take a stroll But his reign didn’t last long He was thwarted By my husband, King Joel

Everyone must wear his skull So we all look alike If we don’t obey him Then he says we’ll have to die The crown Joel now wears the crown Joel now wears the crown Joel now wears the crown While all the other rulers were still fighting for control

The Ocean Queen reflected on her own global role She decided that she’d share the Ocean Empire’s rich traditions While charging all her visitors a fee for their admission Didn’t have a formidable army Didn’t have a big population So I made a guided boat tour Hop in, give a small donation

First stop is a Mezalean campsite Where King Joel’s journey commenced Though camping is not for everyone ‘Cos it’s really in-tents Welcome to my ocean tour We’ll sail across the sea for shore Watch with oar, let the scenery sink in All aboard Water you thinking? Water you thinking? Medieval spies here for sir-veillance

I’ve already met one of these charmers Took his uniform home to polish Had a night in shining armour Then one of our boulder attractions Totally natural, I didn’t plan it These rocks, they’re all pure diorite Some take them for granite Come one, come all, from far and wide

It feels so freeing being on tide Watch with oar, there’s so much to drink in All aboard The library was all fully booked So we’ll head back to land, what’s up, dock? Leave a five-starfish review And exit by the gift shop You’re welcome for my ocean tour

We sailed across the sea for shore Watched with oar, let the scenery sink in We explored, so much to drink in Now we’re moored, the guest book’s hinting Exit starboard Water you thinking? Water you thinking? Meanwhile, Joel was bored of bossing others around

So he devised a game show to give away his crown He forced them to compete in a series of tests To see who among them would prove to be the best The Ocean Queen won and became the new master Which might have ended up being a recipe for disaster

But actually, her new law was really quite sweet It required milk, sugar, eggs and wheat I struggled through the trivia I found a glow ink sac Made a truce with Pearl and Katherine Then I stabbed them in the back And with my foes defeated The crown was mine to take

So I looked upon my subjects And I laughed and I said: Let them eat cake Let them eat cake And if that wasn’t cruel enough I had a masterplan I’d build an island bakery Cash in on the demand I gathered my ingredients I taught a friend to bake

Then I waited for my subjects And I laughed and I said: Let them eat cake Let them eat cake But then I got suspicious Of the ones who didn’t buy So I made a cake enforcer And I headed out to spy I saw no lawbreakers But I may have caused a raid

And for that foolish error My dear villagers, they paid I flew to the palace and grabbed my bow To prove that I could be a hero But despite how hard I tried A few of my poor people died And Joey kicked me when I was down

He swooped in and he stole my crown I now know it was a mistake When I looked upon my subjects and I said: [CLEARS THROAT] I am deeply saddened to announce the tragic loss– of my crown. We will forever remember the light and joy that it brought to the Ocean Empire

Before it was so cruelly snatched away by Joey. Oh and also, it seems that a number of villagers have mysteriously at no fault of mine, passed away. Rest in peace. But on the bright side, I am pleased to announce that my time as crowned ruler was a huge success,

Resulting in a 5000% increase in cake consumption. Oceans Blessings to all those who support me for the empire’s sake. And to those who dare cross me, I have four words: LET THEM EAT CAKE With the crown Joey called for All the others To bring a gift of a horse

So that he could transform them Make an army Made of raptors, of course Then he made a treasure hunt To see who else would reign Shrub won and told everyone To find five wolves to tame The crown Shrub now wears the crown Shrub now wears the crown Then she gave it to Katherine

Who decreed that We take a flower to grow And she hosted a contest fWhip cheated Took the crown for his own Said that we should build a road To reach another land Little did we know That this would be the last command The crown fWhip now wears the crown

FWhip now wears the crown fWhip now wears the crown As fWhip snatched the crown from Katherine’s cold dead hands The heavens opened up and washed over the lands The Queen realised there was just one thing this could be The unlikely fulfilment of another prophecy Which meant that if every prediction came true

It would spell the end for her and all the empires too “The resolution of a neverending feud brings unimaginable chaos that will destroy the world” But a book is just a book, not an existential threat So she went about her day, and tried her best not to fret

King Joel placed the last block Of his Mesa mega palace The Ocean Queen stopped by To admire his building prowess It’s all coming together This work of art is meant to last forever Crystal Cliffs Academy Was to welcome its first student The Ocean Queen thought magic Training could be rather prudent

It’s all coming together This newfound craft is meant to last forever Conflict turns to conversation Wrath gives way to laughter I think this is our happy ever after Finally, fWhip and Jimmy Made a long-awaited pact The Cod War was forgotten There would be no more attacks It’s all coming together

These old bygones will now be gone forever In a show of collaboration To close the final chapter They put a salmon and a cod Into the big reactor An unforeseen conclusion To the never-ending feud Was the mightiest kaboom Of the greatest magnitude A moment or two later

All that stood there was a giant crater Grimlands was in ruins Debris fell in Crystal Cliffs House Blossom, it was split in half By many massive rifts The end of the Lost Empire The Undergrove was all consumed by fire The crops ablaze The swamps were razed And then the blood sheep rained

The crystal cracked Xornoth came back And then the ocean drained We’re all falling together Forgotten and forsaken now forever Pix has long been missing Mezalea is fractured All is lost, I think this is the rapture How quickly chaos can descend The prophecies came true in the end

The ocean’s gone, and so is my power All that remains is a lonely tower As the waters wash away I fall apart, my mind decays The rapture broke my sacred connection In time, I’ll lose all recollection I’m writing this down before it’s too late My memories are fading, I’ll soon meet my fate

I may forget but don’t you dare Always remember the ocean’s heir