Minecraft Story Mode 3 (Funny Animation)

Previously on Telltale’s worst game… There’s a big evil thing sucking people off… The main guy is trying to restore The Order of the Goons… They found some weird arson dude… These two guys hate each other for some reason. It’s never really explained, really… Petra has Minecraft AIDS…

And then Squidward used a potion on these guys and now they’re in slow motion or something I don’t know. *Axel falls because he’s fat.* Of course I would be the guy that falls over! Everythingfeelsreallyfastnow As if Squidward got away again! We’re actually really bad at this! Jesse look at my arm. THE AIDS ARE SPREADING!!! She said the spades are… medding? (Nope.) M-Meddling? (Better.) Look, can we just tell them what’s wrong? NO! It’s embarrassing. Why, what’s wrong? Petra’s pregnant. You are? I’M GONNA BE A DAD!? Uh… It was a one-time thing, okay? Really? With monobrow? IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING!!!

Magnus! Guess what! I’m going to be a dad! No you’re not. Luckily for the world, I was just kidding. Let’s face it. Magnus and that really boring women character have ditched us, dude. Yeah? Well, even if they did, I’ve got this! Sorry, sorry. Wrong thing. This! Okay, never mind, let me try again.

This! Oh my god…this? This? This. This? Ugh! Just had it. Hold up, one second. This, this, this. There we go! This thing! I think you broke it, Jesse. I’m gonna break your head in a minute. Hey, I want to be in control now. Give it here.

What are you doing? This is my shining thing. Yeah. Well. I’m creating a strange rivalry between us. This is where Soren’s located, right? God, if his girlfriend ever had this, that would be a nightmare. All righty, let’s see where this lead. Ew…diffently not there. Here we go! Right here!

I object to your plan! Oh no! Such thrilling tension. FOR ASGARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Grunting) Alrighty, I just found a hole. yeah leave the jokes Yeah! Leave the jokes to me, please. Wait don’t come down yet! I just found the Batcave! Oh no. That was terrifying guys. 3..2..1! (Sounds of bones and gore cracking Yeah. That’s it. Stay close boy, stay very close. Wow! This is a grinder!! Their meant to kill monsters! You say monsters, I just saw a couple of friends having a good time. So basically, if we jump off, we’ll die. Hey Axel, you should jump down. OKAY! NO. *Creeper hissing* Ugh, more creepers for lame tension. Hayah. Oh man. So intense. Don’t mock me! *Jesse and Petra scream.*

Don’t worry, we’re okay, not a scratch on us. We are the main characters, after all. DUDE! Oh no, water! MY LEAST FAVORITE ELEMENT. *bye bye shiny thing.* SHINY THING! *Axel sound.* What are you DOING?! I was scared and I wanted a hug. *tink* Now the shiny thing’s on a pilgrimage! Oh, hai!~

I Just Saw Your Amulet Fall Down There! Me and my creeper friends can go get it for you!~ *RIP Very Kind Creeper* WHY’D YOU KILL GARY LIKE THAT? We’re all free to help you, man, we just– *RIP Another Very Kind Creeper* OH MY GAWD, SPIDERS!

Yeah be careful guys, they’re really deadly and scary. Really… really deadly and… scary… JESSE, HALP ME! Y-yeah I would, but I can’t, man. I’ll just go on without you.. *Very angery Axel.* WOAH WOAH WOAH, WOAH!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME YOU MANIAC?! Jesse! Hey UGLY. “Ugly”?

I always thought I had good looks… Did my mother lie to me? Has my whole life– *ded* *Ruben squeal.* Ruben, hold up, Baby Cakes! *Petra being Petra.* Look, we’re just trying to help you guys! *Poor Creeper.* Revenge is a sweet thing!~ *Axel.* I’m useless. *Axel.* I gotta save Ruben!

What about the shiny thing? Why won’t YOU get it? I’M SO SICK OF CARRYING YOU GUYS. *Mighty jump.* GET AWAY FROM MY LOVER! Jesse, watch out! YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS! You know what, as I’m falling down to my impending doom, I didn’t realize you guys were trying to help us. And for that, I apologize. Oh well, at least you acknowledged your– WAHH! *Short scene of Jesse killing a spider underwater.* WOO, HO-HOO! *Ruben squeal.* There we go, where you belong.~

I owe you for saving us, Jesse.. See, you say *indistinct* more of a Ruben, not you. I hope I can repay you someday. How about you repay me by never speaking to me ever again? Soren is this way. Which one’s Soren again..? Ginger Beard.. Ah okay, I know now. Ah! More pointless enemies!

Yeah, have fun with that. Bye~~~ Are they coming, or…? *I feel you.* *Short scene of Jesse waiting for his oblivious friends.* *Decides to pick his teeth with a sharp object.* Finally, what took you so long? We killed the monsters. Who’s tough? Why didn’t you just jump into the portal, like I did?

Lucas said we should fight, because he wanted to be leader. Yeah well THAT planned out really well. *Lucas freaks out.* What are you crying about..? There’s an Enderman behind us. Enderman? WHERE?! So hot~ No, that’s not it, man.. I just noticed Axel’s MONOBROW for the first time! HEY!

To be fair, a match between an Enderman and his monobrow, the monobrow would definitely win. Hey what happens if you look at one, anyway? I’m not really into the Minecraft law, so I have no idea what they do. I don’t know, just don’t look at them! Bad things will happen, gotcha.

I’ll tell you what, Jesse. You’re a SHITTY LEADER, and I’m really cool. Uh-huh. And we’re never gonna find Ginger Beard, anyway. He’s right there. WHAT? He’s literally right there walking. You see that? You see him walking? Yeah, that’s- that’s a Ginger Beard guy. I hate you… Just stay behind me,

And I’ll get us– *Nasty.* Are you okay? Yeah I’m– *More Nastiness.* Yeah, I think I’ll go first. Nao, I’ll go first, I’m the leader, now! Fine, we’ll follow you. Plus, if the plan gets messed up, we can blame you, anyway, so.. Alright, move your asses, people! Oliva, what are you doing?

Shush! I’m just trying to– Come here, now! Okay, FINE. [Lucas] So many stairs… [Jesse] Excellent observation. Hey look, it’s a ladder. Again, another incredible observation. I guess I’ll go first.. Just don’t be staring at my ass on the way up. And yes, I’m talking to you, Axel…

Huh? What? Sorry, I was too busy staring at your ass. END ME. [Lucas] What do you see? Well, there’s a tree, there’s a thing, and there’s a thing. You know what just come look for yourselves, Jesus. Ah, it’s so soft. I could take a nap, right here. Ruben, get here now. Ruben. RUBEN.

*Jesse luvs his Ruben.* Everything’s made out of semen. So we’ve been trying to find this Ginger Beard the whole time, and all he’s been doing is JACKING OFF in his SEMEN WONDERLAND?! Lucas, you gotta relax. It’s a nice, little cozy place up here. NAO. I’M ANGRY. THE F BOMB IS PROBABLY GONNA SUCK,

IT STINKS IN HERE, AND I HAVEN’T GOTTEN LAID IN TWO YEARS! I’m going to go over to this tree and pout now. We’re really upset. So on a scale from one to AIDS, how are you feeling right now? Super AIDS. Okay just making sure, stay away from me. Hey Ruben, high five.

*Adorable scene of Ruben high five-ing Jesse.* Hey Jesse, I– I’m not interested in what either of you have to say right now. Hey. Diaper Boy. What’s your problem, man? Look, I just– I wanna bank Petra, but, she’s all AIDS infected. And she looks gross. You had to have noticed. Well, no shit.

How could anybody here not notice? she’s a complete mess. LOOK AT HER. Gimme that lever, by the way. What? MOVE. God, you’re like a whiny seven year old. *Dramatic sound effect.* Hey, I found Ginger Bread’s bachelor pad thing. *Music in the distance.* What’s that music..? *Music in 2017.* It’s just a recording!

Well he’s got good taste, I give him that. THEN WHERE THE HELL IS GINGER BEARD?! Well, that record didn’t play itself. *ba dum tss* Eh? See, I’m pretty clever. Lemme try the next track. {I’m in an Enderman suit outside.}

Well I’m guessing he’s in there somewhere, so I’ll put on this disguise to go find him. Alright, let’s try this gimp-suit on. Oh my gawd. You look SO. GOOD!~~~ How the flops are you gonna find Ginger Beard? Then, you look the same, right? *Indistinct* with some blocks or something!

Or I could just go out there and call his name… NO. Yeah, good point. That’s too logical. Take this, and take that, and this.. Oh hai, how’s it goin’? Just gonna, take this… Ah, yas…? *Angery Enderman.* Okay, I’m just gonna… Yea..? *More random Jesse noises.* HA HA! I’m a genius! Oh, uh, um…

Yeah, there’s no need to be jealous, guys. Just because you’re unintelligent, and I’m not. [Unknown] I am sorry about this, but it has to look real. *smak.* AAAAH. What are you doing?! *smak.* OW! Agh.. Are you trying to knock me out or something? ‘Cuz it’s not working, clearly.. *3 smak’s a charm.* *TKO.*

UR AN ASSHOLE! Ah, screw this… *Said something before he passed out, but I can’t figure out what he’s saying, so I put this here for people to see, and hopefully change the captions to what he actually said, and not this bullshit.* *slowly passes out.* Your face should be fine.

These suits were built for– AHH! That’s for attacking me, you little RECTAL WART! And I’m guessing by the beard, you’re Ginger Beard, right? I am, but must I be? I want to be a DONKEY. Yeah, I get it, you’re really kooky. Look, I need your help, man. The Boy Band needs you.

And I need you to build us an ‘F’ bomb to destroy this big cloud thing with three heads in the sky. Sounds really dumb, I know, but it is the truth, I promise you. Ah. You DON’T need me. You need my Formida Bomb.

Well I found out that if you give people what they want, they UNFRIEND you on FACEBOOK. Well who fucked you over? All of them. ALL OF MY EXES. That’s why I prefer Endermen. Look, I’ve got the shiny thing. I’m not sure if I want to help you, though…

If you do, I’ll be your friend. Ok, I’m in! I’m going to HELP you.. Because that’s what FRIENDS do! I instantly regret this decision. As we’re friends, I’m going to give you a gift! Please no. The gift of song! PLEASE NO. ヽ(^o^)> ♩ WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SINGING? IT WAS TERRIBLE! Wait, is that–? Ginger Beard! Nice to meet you, Ginger– *AIDS.* Oh god, what is happening? You’ve upset them!

To be fair, I DID steal their block… Com’n let’s go! Why are you guys walking like that? It’s pointless. We’re not even trying to be sneaky, we’re just leaving the door, so… I don’t… ●︿● ‘Kay, FINE, I’ll do it too. Oh my gawd, there’s so MANY of them! *Olivia being Olivia.* Hey Olivia.

Yea? This part is very uneventful, so.. you know what to do. YEY! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ *Spoiler Alert, this montage is really short.* Here we are, in my ₭ØØ₭Ɏ storage room! I’ll get the Super TNT up there. How the FUCK are you gonna do that? I have my ways.. *Twirly whirly.* Here’s some materials, here’s some Super TNT… Let’s use these really conveniently placed Minecarts! Warp drive initiating in 3.. 2.. 1.. *The old ‘Everyone has fancy props except for Axel, and everyone leave without him’ trick.* Hey, wait for me! Q^Q *whine.* I’m fat. Hey, do you want anything from the store?

Uh, chocolate milk? No problem, honey! I luv u~ I luv you, too!~ *RIP Husband of Creeper Wife* Oh hey, look who it is! It’s the terrible griefers. Oh yeah, I forgot you two existed. DIS IS 4 U, MY LUV! *complaints and whatever.* Hey, friends! ＼（○＾ω＾○）／ The monsters are all running away!

Yeah, well apparently, THAT ONE didn’t! *Angery Manster.* Whoever makes this ‘F’ bomb, will probably die! Axel, you should do it. Aw, I can’t. I’m too FAT. Suddenly, that is a good point. I KNEW being fat would pay off in the long run!

If you’re all gonna be little BITCHES about it, I’LL do it. Jesse, take my armour! No, take MY armour. My armour is green and cool! (By the way, I hate you.) I hate you, too! I hate you more! I hate you DOUBLE more! *exclaiming because…?* You know what, screw it. Gimme Magnus’s armour.

Here you go. Rest in peace, Magnus.. *Confused.* Let’s do this suicide mission! Don’t worry, Jesse. We’ll destruct you with BUILDING BLOCKS! I don’t personally think you’ll do anything.. But if it makes you think you’re contributing to the planet, then go for it! Yey, I’m useful! (≧▽≦)

Alright, let’s ditch Jesse. 3, 2, 1, break! This is like hentai to the extreme right now! *wooshie woosh.* YEAH, GOOD JOB GUYS. EXCELLENT WORK. Okay here we go Super TNT. *Magic words as told by Jesse.* TA DA! Aw, for– AH, OF COURSE. OF COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN. LOOK OUT, YOU GOONS! *ded*

Ugh, I TOLD you, you would die, MAGNUS! Okay backstroke, here we go. 1, 2, 1, 2… *Sum moar magic words told by Jesse.* Ha ha ha! Here we go! This is my chance to say something cool. Hmm… FUCK! (just imagine Jesse stubbing his toe in this scene.)

YOU! (just imagine Jesse losing a hardcore game, and he almost won.) *ded.* *I guess you could say he got.. Hooked.* *muffled.* You know you could’ve used ANYTHING else but for a FISHING ROD. YOU DIDN’T REALIZE? *Very angery and ded manster.* You did it, Jesse!

Yea I know I did, because you guys are all PUSSIES, and wouldn’t do it yourselves. *Ruben? or Magnus?* I’m about to DIE. Do you not want Ellegard to come over? You know, patch up your broken relationship? Clear up the bad blood? The tension? No, it’s just fine, I’ll die now. *ded.*

So the tension between you and the story are just pointless. Excellent. Alright, you pricks help the survivors, I’ll go help people who are trapped. HALP ME! Eh, not hot enough. Oh, but YOU, though!~ There you go, madam! You’re my hero!~ Here’s my number is case you don’t get any symptoms or anything.

See ya~ Aw man, this is paying off stupendously. Wait what the hell, the command block’s okay? *Ruben asks a very good question.* Oh that’s the thing Ivor created it from. It’s like, the *indistinct* of the Minecraft world, I think. I dunno, I didn’t do my research. *Woosh.* OH, COME ON, MAN!

Huh? Guy with a sword? What’s going on? Look, I’ll explain later, okay?! *Manster is moar angery than ever.* Com’n, let’s go! *Jesse says ‘hello’ in Portuguese.* Guy with a sword, com’n! Who’s… ‘Guy with a Sword’? *Very dramatic myoosik.* Next time on Minecraft Story Mode…

Hopefully in the next episode, they’ll actually kill this thing. As it seems like most of the journey so far is pointless. Ugh… I need a drink… If there are any mistakes in these subtitles, please fix them =^=;