A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Artificer

A wise man once said, “Magic is dumb and stupid and makes no sense.” And I trust that man. He wields a sword and shield. So why use magic when you can use big brain energy and the power of SCIENCE!

It’s about damn time we got another Intelligence-Caster. The stat is about as commonly used for spellcasting, as your bedroom is used for sexy times. The Artificer is an inventor who decided traditional magical means by accomplished wizards and scholars are too mainstream. And decided to come up with their own magic spells and items,

After reading two articles by angry moms from Baldur’s Gate, who discovered casting real spells can actually give you genital FLUMPS. Checkmate, SORCERERS. Instead of that, you can tinker with items to imbue them with special properties. Like turning it into a flashlight, turning it into a scented candle,

Or turning it into a phone that can only record and play Vines. The best part is that once you give the item the properties, it lasts forever. So go have fun enjoying your seven seconds of fame before the service shuts down

And you become a struggling vlogger. And speaking of messing with the natural properties of items, as you level up, you gain infusions, which allow you to turn that sex toy you hide in the dresser, from a basic vibrator to a Vibe-Rater. Infusions include, but are not limited to: boring stat increase,

Thor’s hammer, item dupe glitch, and GO-GO GADGET BLINKA-BOOTS! This is all due to your massive I.Q. rating of twenty billion. Which is so high, you can add your Intelligence modifier to any of you or your ally party members’ dice rolls, and become the ultimate backseat gamer,

Telling them about the bad guys’ weak spots, because there’s no way their simple minds could’ve figured it own on their own. And if that doesn’t work out, you can use one of the fifty magical items you’ve made yourself and refuse to part with, like someone on an episode of Hoarders.

Or pull a fast one and throw the magical Vibe-Rater that you secretly stored a charge of Fireball in. Being the new class that is, the Artificer only has three subclasses so far, and NO I’m not going to cover the new ones that come out, STOP ASKING!

I just wanna go on vacation with my sword and shield already. The Alchemist is like a drunk doctor and gains a few healing spells, can buff allies with the power of drinking and gambling and can help you grow closer bonds with your pets.

If you want a big, fuck-off gun, the Artillerist can create an Eldritch cannon. That can either fire three different kinds of artillery, or just sit there, contributing nothing, while you marvel at your amazing craftsmanship. Because keeping track of more than one thing on the board is hard,

Isn’t that right, dungeon master? And lastly, the Battle Smith, where you decide to stop being a puss-baby and join the fight, with a mystery-solving-robo-dog-sidekick. *Gorgeous laugh* Ranger Overall, the Artificer loves making, finding, and using loads and loads of magical items. Which means you’ll probably forget

About half of your inventions, because players can’t be trusted to even remember the items they started with, at the beginning of the campaign. Just make sure to keep them under good security, so the rogue doesn’t steal them all while you Long Rest, and suddenly you wake up to the sound of

Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture. Now you know how to play Artificer. You’re welcome.