Let’s Play Minecraft – Episode 35 – Potions | Rooster Teeth

JACK: I feel really floaty. MICHAEL: Ray, accept an invite. Gavin… MICHAEL: If Gavin dies we’re never gonna find him. GAVIN: Ayy! It’s Ray. JACK: Gavin, watch out! There’s a ledge behind you. JACK: Gavin! Watch it, Gavin! Seriously. Gavin! Watch out. There’s a ledge right behind- Gavin… be careful.

RYAN: Whoa! Whoa. GEOFF: Sleep in a bed. JACK: Now you’re crapping off the side of a mushroom. GAVIN: You’re all pricks. GEOFF: Should we wait ’till night? GAVIN: No! No. No. RAY: [singing] I’m behind the fence.

MICHAEL: You say “let’s just do it” but you’re gonna die and then we’ll never find you again. JACK: It’s so dangerous, Ray. RAY: [continued singing] I’m behind the fence. RAY: Get your red hair out of my face, Ryan. RYAN: What was that? GEOFF: Alright. So, you ready for this?

RAY: I’m sor- [death scream] [Laughter] RAY: WELL. MICHAEL: I’m assuming Ray slept in the bed. JACK: I think so. RAY: Yeah. MICHAEL: Okay. Thank Christ. RAY: Oh, it was obstructed. JACK: Ayy! JACK: Way to go MICHAEL: GOD DAMMIT! RYAN: [maniacal laughter] JACK: Michael’s standing on the bed.

GAVIN: Kill yourself and everyone get off the bed. RYAN: [continued laughter] RAY: How am I going to kill my- I have nothing to kill myself with. GAVIN: Drown him. JACK: We are off to a wonderful start here. MICHAEL: Ray, you cannot swim. We know this. GAVIN: Oh my god.

RAY: I can swim. GAVIN: [frantic protesting Gavin noises] GEOFF: I’m going down here. RYAN: Alright. JACK: I could not resist. MICHAEL: [scared noise] RYAN: [laughter] I wondered if that would throw you off. MICHAEL: No. But it scared the shit out of me.

RAY: I’m drowning. JACK: Okay, so is this the let’s play. Is just- GAVIN: Alright, everyone get off the bed. MICHAEL: Okay, Ray’s dead. RAY: Ayy! GEOFF: “BrownMan?” More like “DROWNMan.” EVERYONE: [weary but generally approving groan] MICHAEL: Fuckin’ nice one, Geoff! GEOFF: Thanks, Michael. GAVIN: Wait! Wait, wait. Ray. You didn’t sleep then?

RAY: No. I did sleep. GAVIN: You are a lying little binch. RAY: I did! GEOFF: [frustrated sigh] RAY: I was the second one to sleep. Just reload the game again. MICHAEL: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! GAVIN: Okay. Everyone’s a tool. I’m gonna reload the game. This is the last time we’re doing this.

JACK: I wish I could open this and knock you guys off. RYAN: I know. MICHAEL: Shut the hell up, Ray. RYAN: I wanted that to happen too. MICHAEL: You shut your mouth. JACK: Gavin, this is very pretty. There is a sunrise right behind your head. JACK: This is all gold! This is easy!

MICHAEL: This is pretty funny. JACK: Alright. There’s Ray. MICHAEL: Alright. One, two, three, four. We’re missing Ryan and Geoff. RAY: Dude, if somebody joins this party, it’s like the All-Star team GEOFF: I’m in. JACK: Ray is pondering his death. Looking at the edge RYAN: It’s fuckin’ dangerous over here.

MICHAEL: Just nobody knock anybody off now. GAVIN: Ryan! What are you wearing armor for, Ryan! MICHAEL: On “The Edge of Glory” or…? RYAN: I already got my shit out of the chest. It’s dangerous up here.

JACK: No! We’re not even- he hasn’t said it yet. GEOFF: [laughter] MICHAEL: [quietly singing “The Edge of Glory”] RAY: We haven’t even started. TAKE THE ARMOR OFF, RYAN! MICHAEL: [continued singing] RYAN: Fine! MICHAEL: What are you doing?! GEOFF: Nah. Just put it back on. GAVIN: Geoffrey. Geoffrey Ramsey? GEOFF: Alright. Yes, Gavin?

GAVIN: Kindly explain what this let’s play is all about before I blow my knife out! GEOFF: Okay. GEOFF: [laughter] RAY: “Blow…” RYAN: What? GEOFF: Okay. So. Hello, guys. Welcome to Achievementville for the second time As you know, we had a wildly successful let’s play where we tried to find a mushroom biome.

Could not find one. And invented our own. GAVIN: We’re actually on top of the mushroom stack! GEOFF: This is Mushroom House. This is our base of operations for the very rare and few times we play this map.

The only reason we’re playing this map and not Achievement City is because there’s no goddamn Nether Fortresses in Achievement City Ray just died. RAY: I’m alright. I’m cool. MICHAEL: DID HE?! RAY: I’m fine. Keep going. GEOFF: What we are doing is- MICHAEL: Ray has half a heart.

RAY: Where is the fuckin’ “YOLO”? GEOFF: This is for The Tower of Pimps GEOFF: Now, to win The Tower of Pimps… JACK: Don’t tease me like this, Gavin. JACK: Don’t tease me like this. GEOFF: To win The Tower of Pimps… GAVIN: [quiet startled noise]

GEOFF: You have to be the first person JACK: [laughter] MICHAEL: God dammit, children. MICHAEL: Geoff is trying to talk! Everyone needs to be quiet! GEOFF: [exhausted groan] MICHAEL: And listen to him. And give him the proper respect he deserves! RAY: Why would you not make this top any bigger?

GEOFF: Thank you, Michael. MICHAEL: Ray. Jesus Christ. GEOFF: That’s as big as the mushroom is, you idiot. RAY: Well, make a bigger mushroom. Add to it. MICHAEL: Order in the court! Geoffrey Lazer Ramey is speaking! GEOFF: [sigh] MICHAEL: I’m sorry, Geoff. Continue. JACK: Continue, Geoff. Sorry. GEOFF: Okay, so- RAY: LLLLLLET’S PLAY!

GEOFF: The goal is to be the first person [sigh] to use a potion. JACK: “To use a potion.” GEOFF: On yourself or a splash potion or whatever. JACK: Alright. Everyone gets something in the chest? GEOFF: Everybody gets one of each in the chest. There is 64 torches.

GEOFF: There’s a chunk of wood for you. RAY: Like, Nintendo 64? GEOFF: A diamond pickaxe. A chestplate. And a map. GAVIN: Oh, sweet. RAY: Spyro the Dragon was- GAVIN: I’m all about it! I’m gonna be like [booping noises] GEOFF: Alright. So does everybody know how to make a potion? MICHAEL: No.

JACK: Michael does. Michael’s gonna teach all of us. MICHAEL: I don’t know how to make a potion. RAY: They do Potion Maker. GAVIN: Alright, so, Michael? Do you want to team up with me? So we can get-

RAY: Why do we get wood planks? MICHAEL: Uh. Do I want to team up with you, Gavin? What do you think? MICHAEL: Hell yes, I do. GEOFF: You guys can team up if you want to. GEOFF: You guys can team up if you want to. Or you don’t have to.

MICHAEL: You know why Gavin? BECAUSE YOU MY BOI! GEOFF: This is a team game. GAVIN: You my boi, Micoo. MICHAEL: You my boi! GAVIN: Alright, I’m goin’. I’m leavin’. Here we go. This is it. GEOFF: Alright. You guys can work together if you want to.

GEOFF: Or not. But, uh, at the end it is for the Tower. RAY: I’m guessing we have to make the brewing thing and the other thing and… GAVIN: So, first thing’s first, Michael… GEOFF: Well, the thing that’s gonna make it difficult is that you need a blaze rod

GEOFF: To make… uh… MICHAEL: I’m followin’ you, Grabbin’. GEOFF: The “potion machine.” As it’s called. GAVIN: We need to get enough obsidian to get to the Nether. MICHAEL: Alright. You start digging down. I’m gonna get some extra wood real quick. RAY: Leather pants! Found it. Mine. Alright, whose leather pants are these?

GEOFF: Who busted the fuckin’ gate up? MICHAEL: Gavin. JACK & RYAN: [laughter] RAY: I’m holding pants. Who do these belong to? GEOFF: You’re an idiot, Gavin. GAVIN: Oh, was there a gate? GEOFF: There was a gate, you jackass. RAY: Oh, was somebody wearin’ them?

JACK: I’ll get some wood for us. GEOFF: Iron and fuckin’… GAVIN: So wait. Who’s teaming up with who at this point? GEOFF: I dunno. JACK: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. GAVIN: Hmm. MICHAEL: Jack probably already took off.

RAY: I am Team Tuxedo Mask! JACK: I’m building a house. Screw you guys. RYAN & GEOFF: [laughter] MICHAEL: Gavin, where the fuck are you? GAVIN: Team… Team Prick. RAY: Oh, should we take our names, like, off? GAVIN: Nah. Let’s leave em’ on. MICHAEL: No. Cus’ then we won’t appear on the map.

GEOFF: Let’s get some fuckin’ mushrooms for mushroom soup or something. MICHAEL: Seriously, I don’t know where you went, Grabbin’. GAVIN: Uh, what I was gonna do was make a little shovel so we can do… RAY: What difficulty are we on? GEOFF: Um. Normal, I think. MICHAEL: I’m orange. What color are you?

MICHAEL: No. I’m not orange. What the fuck color am I? GAVIN: I am wHite. JACK: Alright, Geoff, so we need some iron… RAY: You can hit the back button. GAVIN: Michael. I see you, Michael. GEOFF: Yeah, so we need iron and that’s about it.

MICHAEL: I dropped my map! GEOFF: Hey. I’m gonna kill a cow. JACK: Kill some. Get some meat for us. MICHAEL: I’m blue and you’re white. GAVIN: Alright, I don’t want to dig too much, so let’s go down a hole and dig. JACK: Let’s look for a caveage. MICHAEL: Alright. I have some wood.

JACK: Some sheepy-sheeps. RAY: Ha ha. Penis. GEOFF: Oh, that was good. That was good. GAVIN: Oh, we got some i-ron here. RAY: So, 90% of this is going to be digging. GAVIN: Well… until someone goes to the Nether and then it’s all-go.

RAY: Oh, is someone going to say when they make it to the Nether? GAVIN: Well, when I get to the Nether first, you will know about it RYAN: [chuckle] GAVIN: Hey, Ryan. GEOFF: Ooh! Light-gray wool! RYAN: What’s up? GAVIN: What’s up, buddy? RAY: So, where’s the safe-zone? That mushroom shit?

GEOFF: Any- inside Mushroom House is safe. Inside the gate. GEOFF: The partially-contrusted gate because Gavin’s a fucking turd. GAVIN: Oh! I’m gonna drown, Michael! [drowning gurgles] MICHAEL: No. I got you. RAY: I love how there’s sheep everywhere now.

GEOFF: Alright, Jack. Let’s, uh, let’s, uh… RAY: Ah! Got a rose. Game over. Got another rose. Game over. Got another rose. Game over. Twofer right there. That’s another one. that’s six. I should get this one over here. Could be crucial. Nope. Seven. Yellow one. Just kiddin- Op! Shit. Get the fuck outta here.

Eight. Nine. Might as well get the tenth on- uh-oh! Tenth one. Boop! Uh- oh. Got it. GAVIN: How’s everyone doing? RAY: I have 10 roses! JACK: [laughter] MICHAEL: So Ray is off to an unfair start. GAVIN: Michael? Are you behind me? MICHAEL: I’m right behind you.

GAVIN: Can you do me a little flavor and, uh, just light up the area as I dig? JACK: Hey, light up his life. RAY: Light up his world. MICHAEL: Boosh! Light. GAVIN: Wow. That was a lot of light. GAVIN: It almost did my eyes out, actually. MICHAEL: I’ll do your eyes out.

GAVIN: [chuckle] RAY: IT’S A RAID, MOTHAFUCKA! MICHAEL: We need- we need coal. RAY: Flynt Coal? GAVIN: Flynt Coal? GAVIN: Dammit. JACK: There you go. And also that so you don’t waste your diamond. GEOFF: Cheers, Lad. GAVIN: Oh, I think we should g- OH! OH! Water’s comin’ in! MICHAEL: Ga-vin! GAVIN: Who watered it?

JACK: “Who watered it.” MICHAEL: We’ve been sabotaged! RAY: [mumbles “Sabotage”] RYAN: How do you make those… fuckin’… thing? GEOFF: Thanks, Ray. Alright, so let’s go back in here and get going? RYAN: The thing. You know. JACK: I’m looking for coal. GAVIN: I’m gettin’ dripped on, Michael! RAY: Flynt Coal?

JACK: Thank you, Ray. GAVIN: There’s drips in the game now! MICHAEL: Gavin, here. Check it out. GAVIN: Did you know there’s drips? MICHAEL: Yeah, I know. Fuck. Hang on. JACK: It’s awful dark in here. GAVIN: Aw. Look. Look at us on the same team. RAY: That’ll last. GAVIN: Well, who flooded our mine?

MICHAEL: Gavin! Behind you. Oh duh! I forgot we had diamond! SHIT! GAVIN: Did you make your pickaxe? MICHAEL: Yes. RYAN: Why can’t I find the furnace? Where’s the fucking furnace? MICHAEL: Well, we start with diamond.

GAVIN: You don’t find a furnace, Ryan. RYAN: No. I mean I can’t find it in the crafting thing. GAVIN: Oh. RYAN: I probably need to make a crafting table first, don’t I? GAVIN: [laughs] You dope. RYAN: Right. GEOFF: Welcome to Minecraft, Ryan. MICHAEL: Idiot. RAY: Fuckin’ idiot.

GAVIN: Michael, look at our leaky ceiling. JACK: Oh wow. There you go, Geoff. GAVIN: It’s leaking. RYAN: Gah! I keep fuckin’ dropping stuff. GAVIN: Alright, do we have a furnace, Michael? RAY: Ryan, get your shit together. RYAN: I’m tryin’. MICHAEL: I will build it right now for you.

GEOFF: I’m finding all the coal in the world. GAVIN: Flynt Coal? RAY: Flynt Coal- dammit. GEOFF: Goddammit. MICHAEL: You gotta be fast. JACK: Never gets old. GAVIN: Alright, Michael. This is the best cave system I’ve ever found. MICHAEL: Really? GAVIN: Yeah.

MICHAEL: I find that hard to believe. GAVIN: I’m already, like 20 below- above bedrock, I think. MICHAEL: 20… below…? GEOFF: Below-Above. JACK: BelowAbove. GAVIN: BlubUb. MICHAEL: Alright. You’re white. MICHAEL: And of course I don’t see you on the map- oh there you are. GEOFF: Racist. MICHAEL: [parkour grunt] I see you, Gavin!

GAVIN: Do you? MICHAEL: I’ll follow your torches. MICHAEL: …of… freedom. GAVIN: Freedom torch. MICHAEL: Oh! There’s GOLD here?! GAVIN: Yeah, that’s how I was sayin’ how good it was because we can make a bloody Tower of Pimps RAY: They can make their own. It’s over. GEOFF: Oh shit! I found iron ore.

GAVIN: Who needs to win it? GEOFF: And a fuckin’ creeper. MICHAEL: I agree with you, buddy. JACK: I just found a fuckin’- GAVIN: Oh! There’s a zombie! JACK: A zombie just attacked me GEOFF: Oh shit! Creeper. MICHAEL: Let’s get ’em, Gavin. GEOFF: Y’know what we should do is – uh

GEOFF: Get some fuckin’ swords. JACK: Yeah. I’ll make some. MICHAEL: Oh! Dude! Fuck! We need food. MICHAEL: We need food. JACK: Where’s our… uh… RYAN: [chuckle] GAVIN: No. We just need rotten flesh. We’ll be fine. MICHAEL: Are you serious? GEOFF: Oh, good. Jack. We’re in a good position.

GEOFF:If you wanna come down where I am JACK: Hang on. One second. I’m fighting off a zombie real quick GEOFF: Okay. JACK: I’m gonna make us some weapons GEOFF: Okay. MICHAEL: So, what should we do with iron first? Should we build a bucket?

RYAN: Where are – uh GAVIN: Yeah. Let’s definitely get a bucket. GAVIN: And there’s lava actually over here. So we could make obsidian immediately. JACK: Oh, I found some iron. MICHAEL: How much iron do you have? GEOFF: You found some what? JACK: Some iron.

GAVIN: I have some in the furnace as well. GEOFF: Good, good, good. I have some. MICHAEL: I have some as well. GEOFF: I have lava too. MICHAEL: I’m gonna head back up and try to a fuckin’… JACK: you found lava? GEOFF: Tons of lava JACK: That’s all we need. GAVIN: Ooh, Michael!

JACK: Did you grab the table? RAY: It was very nice of you to give us torches, by the way. JACK: I think? GAVIN: Yeah, cus’ who wants to dig up coal? RAY: Yeah. GEOFF: Yeah. GEOFF: It was a… RAY: Who would die immediately like an asshole. MICHAEL: Flynt? RAY: Coal. MICHAEL: [static snicker]

RAY: So, what does Flynt Coal look like? Have we established? MICHAEL: Don’t. GAVIN: I think he has a quip. MICHAEL: He’s faceless GAVIN: I think he has a black – a black quip. RAY: So he’s slenderman. RAY: He’s got a black what? GAVIN: Quip. GEOFF: Alright, so we need a -uh

JACK: I got it. I got it. GEOFF: Dude, we are fuckin’ on it. Hey. Jack. Check it out. Don’t go over there. Come over here RAY: So, Ryan, at what point are we gonna raid their cave and kill everybody? RYAN: Uhh… MICHAEL: Bring it on, buddy.

RYAN: Maybe I’ve already started. RAY: Just wait it out, right? RYAN: Yeah, absolutely. GAVIN: Mi-um-Michael? MICHAEL: Yo? GAVIN: Let’s use some iron. MICHAEL: How many buckets should we make? Just one? GAVIN: Let’s make two buckets. One each. GEOFF: Aww yeah. Furnace JACK: Back up. Back up.

GAVIN: And you need to make a couple swords. MICHAEL: Fuckin’ good idea. How many swords? GAVIN: Uh. Two. Just one each. GEOFF: Check this out. Boop. GAVIN: Oh! Collect mushrooms if you see ’em as well. MICHAEL: Oh, get the fuck away from me, Ryan.

RYAN: You’re fine. I even stopped up your water problem. GEOFF: Do you have any coal? JACK: I – I put it in there. That’s a stack of 64. GEOFF: I’m gonna take half of that While we’re doin’ that we’re gonna cook some meat. GAVIN: Michael, this is awesome. RAY: Well, shit.

GAVIN: I found enough mushrooms to make food if we make a bowl. MICHAEL: Do that. MICHAEL: Do it. GAVIN: And also there’s diamond down here. MICHAEL: Are you serious? JACK: You’re holding a sword now. GAVIN: Yeah. MICHAEL: Oh my god, get it. GEOFF: Oh yeah! Awesome. Thanks.

RAY: You guys found a good cave. GEOFF: Where’d my… fuckin’… RAY: I found a… not-so-good cave. JACK: Alright. Um. GAVIN: Oh Jeebus! Lorenzo. RYAN: What was that? RAY: Lorenzo? RYAN: Lamas? GAVIN: [chuckle] RAY: I know a Lorenzo RAY: Shout-out to John F. Knope. His name’s Lorenzo GAVIN: [snicker] GAVIN: John who?

RAY: F. Knope. MICHAEL: Gavin, you don’t know. RAY: Have you ever played Street Fighter? MICHAEL: [loud, unrestrained laughter] GAVIN: Awn. I don’t get it. RAY: No, you don’t. MICHAEL: Alright, Gavin, are you still, like, way down in the depths? GAVIN: Uh, yeah. Do you want-

MICHAEL: No, I’m comin’ to you. Hang on. I’m bringin’ the bucket too. GAVIN: Oh! I see you. JACK: Um, if you wanna start kinda mining out an area? Kind of build a frame. RAY: I probably should have killed animals. I’m retarded.

JACK: Alright, I’m gonna try to figure out how to get back out and get some water. GEOFF: Okay. GAVIN: Do- if you have any wood… GAVIN: We should make a bowl. GEOFF: Oh Jesus. GAVIN: We could make so much mushroom stew, Michael. You wouldn’t believe it. MICHAEL: Mushroom stew’s pretty good.

MICHAEL: How do I fuckin’ scoop the lava, dude? GAVIN: Uh, right-left click on it. MICHAEL: No. Does it have to be, like, perfect lava? MICHAEL: Like, a certain lava? GAVIN: Yeah, a source block. Oh! GAVIN: Screw it, we don’t need a bucket. There’s a ton of obsidian here.

MICHAEL: Are you serious? GAVIN: Yeah. GAVIN: Michael? Can you see the bit of diamond? GAVIN: Oh, it’s right below you, actually. RAY: Right below MICHAEL: Hard. Fast. GAVIN: Oh bloody hell. MICHAEL: What’d you do? What’d you do?? GAVIN: I may have just chucked the diamond into lava.

MICHAEL: Gav-in! RYAN, JACK, RAY & GEOFF: [laughter] MICHAEL: You’re a fucking idiot. GAVIN: Well… GEOFF: You found diamond already?! GAVIN: No! Did YOU? MICHAEL: Well… we DID. GEOFF: Wow. That’s awesome, guys. Congratulations. GAVIN: Yeah. Great. MICHAEL: Alright, keep goin’ ahead. GAVIN: Oh! Michael? Did you make the sword?

MICHAEL: Dude, I made the swords. I just don’t wanna chuck them into lava like some fucking idiot I know. RYAN: [chuckle] JACK: Alright, Geoff. Are you going to stay down here? GEOFF: Yeah. GAVIN: Michael… GAVIN: You’re beautiful <3 MICHAEL: Oh my god. GAVIN: Like diamonds in the sky. MICHAEL: Alright, watch thi- lava right on the other side! MICHAEL: Zombie behind us. GEOFF: Alright, cool. RYAN: Everybody’s talking so very quietly. It’s all sneaky and stuff. MICHAEL: Okay. Come over here, Gavin. Come over here, back where it’s safe. JACK: We all have our own plans, Ryan. GAVIN: It’s like doimonds in the skoi. GEOFF: “Doimonds in the skoi.” MICHAEL: Take that. JACK: A sheep walked into our cave. GEOFF: That’s awesome. MICHAEL: And take that. MICHAEL: I give you a hat. Oh! No. I give you… GAVIN: You gave me a bucket. MICHAEL: A bucket. Yes. GAVIN: I could put it on my head. I don’t think it would work as well. RYAN: [chuckle] MICHAEL: Yeah, I gave you a bucket. RAY: A bucket of hats? GAVIN: What’s that guy who plays, uh, guitar? With the bucket? RAY: Buckethead. GAVIN: That’s the guy. MICHAEL: Alright, let’s move on. MICHAEL: Gotta get over to the other side of the room. RAY: He has a song called “Jordan” MICHAEL: Dude, if we have to build our way across, let’s build our way across. RAY: [hums “Jordan”] GAVIN: Flynt Iron? Damn. RAY: [loud obscene grunting] RAY: Got it. Under control. Wait for it. MICHAEL: Good for Ray. RYAN: [giggle] RAY: I just fuckin’ salivated all over the place. GEOFF: I wouldn’t mind findin’ some more, uh, More fuckin’… GAVIN: Alright, Michael? Let’s build across MICHAEL: I’m tryin’ to do that right now, bud. MICHAEL: Oh my god. You’re doing it smarter. JACK: Great. It’s night. Michael: I’m gonna follow you. JACK: Oh, I’m next to a village. GAVIN: Can you look out behind me and make sure nobody’s gonna knock me in? MICHAEL: Yeah, as long as you don’t fuckin’ fall in, dude. GAVIN: I might be dead as dumps if I fall in. MICHAEL: Alright. JACK: Grab some what? GEOFF: Wheat. GAVIN: Alright, actually… MICHAEL: There’s water right here. GAVIN: Oh, there is? MICHAEL: And there’s a shit-load of mushrooms. GAVIN: Yeah. Oh! That’s a good point. Do you have any wood to make a crafting table? Or do you have a crafting table? MICHAEL: I… OH GOD! RAY: Hi there, buddy. MICHAEL: Somebody hit me! GAVIN: Who hit you? MICHAEL: The fuckin’ archer. I got ’em. GAVIN: Oh! It’s a skeletus. GAVIN: Oh my God! He almost shot me into the lava, the little bitch. RYAN: [chuckle] MICHEAL: Alright, I need to eat some fuckin’ food. So let’s come over here and fuckin’ make shit. GAVIN: What’s down this- Guh! Guh! Guh! MICHAEL: Gavin? GAVIN: Yeah? RAY: “GUH! GUH!” MICHAEL: Come over here. JACK: Down the “guh guh guh guh”? GAVIN: I’m gonna light up this dick. JACK: Like nobody else? MICHAEL: Get over here with mushrooms and make some food. MICHAEL: I put a crafting table right there. GAVIN: Who did? MICHAEL: I did. GAVIN: Oh! Where? Oh. RYAN: [giggle] GAVIN: Let’s make a ton of, like, bowls. RYAN: That’s like the least-effective communication I’ve heard in a long time. GEOFF: [chuckle] GAVIN: How do you make a bowl?! GEOFF: You’re an idiot. GAVIN: Where’s the bowl? RAY: It should be all the way on, like, the right. You have to, like, cycle through some bullshit. GAVIN: You’re gonna lie to me now, aren’t you, Ray? MICHAEL: No. I think he’s actually right. GAVIN: Oh… uh… bowl bowl bowl… GAVIN: Bowl bowl bowl… GEOFF: Let me know when you’re back, Jack. MICHAEL Bowl bowl bowl bowl JACK: I’m heading back. MICHAEL: bowl knowledge. GAVIN: [chuckle] JACK: I managed to kill my sword and my, uh. GAVIN: Oh crap! I made WAY too many bowls. GEOFF: I wanna find more iron. GAVIN: Michael, there’s some bowls of stew if you want one. MICHAEL: Fuck yeah I do. I’m hungry. RAY: Dude, Ray wants one. RAY: [screaming] CREEPER: [explosion] JACK: You alright, Ray? GAVIN: Wow. RAY: I’m alright. Walk it off. JACK: There’s a naked sheep, so I’m close. RAY: What the fuck just fell on me? GEOFF: [chuckle] GAVIN: I am gonna get… a… lava RAY: Gonna heal and set your spawn? GEOFF: One bed? JACK: If you have- If you have your, uh, whatever. I can make another one. GEOFF: I have two pieces of lava. JACK: Give me one more. GEOFF: Here. GAVIN: Boosh! Michael: I don’t know where you are. GAVIN: Oh, I’m just making the whole lava pool into obsidian. MICHAEL: What? GAVIN: I just made an obsidian floor. JACK: Here you go, Geoff. MICHAEL: Do you have enough for the both of us? GAVIN: Yeah. Well, we only need… RAY: Oh hey! Gold. MICHAEL: We need, like, 20. RAY: I don’t need it, but I’ll grab it. GAVIN: We need 14, don’t we? MICHAEL: No, we need, like, 20. GAVIN: Why? MICHAEL: Don’t we? Don’t you? We need, like… GAVIN: No. MICHAEL: Five across, Four up… MICHAEL: And five across or something. GEOFF: I mean, let’s just fuckin’ shut down the entire… GAVIN: No. MICHAEL: Yeah. You need 20. GAVIN: No, I mean,I just put lava in the, uh… GAVIN: I just dropped obsidian in lava. I’m not good at mining. MICHAEL: Nice, Gavin! Holy shit. GAVIN: Yeah, I’ve been busy. GEOFF: I think we make it in here, Jack. JACK: Okay. MICHAEL: Dammit, it’s falling in. GAVIN: I think when we have this, Michael, we should run a long way away Before we use and build this portal. MICHAEL: I agree with you. GAVIN: Because then… because we’re dangerously close people right now. RAY: You guys dangerously cheesy? Michael: How do you fucking grab it without fuckin’ dying? GAVIN: You just have to be on the same level as it. RAY: What do you mean? The obsidian? GAVIN: If you wanna use The Bucket Method as well, Michael, you can do that too. RAY: [laughs] Still don’t know what that method is, by the way. GEOFF, RYAN, & JACK: [chuckling] JACK: Don’t worry. RAY: No. Actually, somebody told me it. But I, uh, don’t retain information very well. MICHAEL: Ow! You hit me. GAVIN: Sorry, I think you just ran on the thing I was mining. GAVIN: How many do you have, Michael? MICHAEL: Like, fuckin’ one? GAVIN: One? Sweet. MICHAEL: [pff] GAVIN: [hiss laughter] GAVIN: I actually like- MICHAEL: We need flint. JACK: Coal? GAVIN: I like these calm- oh, we do need flint. RAY: Coal? GAVIN: In, like, flint. RAY: Coal? GAVIN: [laughter] MICHAEL: I can’t… I keep fuckin’ losing them to the lava. RAY: We need what? Like, 20 pieces of obsidian or some shit? JACK: Yep. 20. RAY: Alright cool. RYAN: 20? JACK: Yeah. GEOFF: 28. GAVIN: 14. MICHAEL: No, you don’t. RAY: Thanks. JACK: 14. GEOFF: 62. GAVIN: I think you can do, uh, ten as well if you’re… JACK: No. It’s 14. GAVIN: Oh, is it? JACK: Yeah. MICHAEL: [static snicker] GAVIN: AAH! Michael! You almost drowned me in lava, Michael. MICHAEL: Well, watch out! GAVIN: Bloody sausage. MICHAEL: This is awful. GAVIN: What? Do you keep throwing them away? MICHAEL: They… as soon as I break it, it falls in. GAVIN: So, how do you feel about being on the same team as me, Michael, for once? MICHAEL: You know. GAVIN: Yeah? JACK: [chuckles] RAY: Dude, team Mavin. MICHAEL: What does that mean? Oh Gavin! BEHIND YOU! GAVIN: [cries of confusion and sudden realization] MICHAEL: Gavin! Behind you! MICHAEL: Get out!! GAVIN! GET OUT! GAVIN: [continued screams] RYAN: [laughter] GAVIN: I’ve got third burns, you bloody knob-head. MICHAEL: Get out. Get out. You’re gonna burn to death in two seconds. GAVIN: [frantic grunting] RAY: Does not sound good. GAVIN: Bloody hell. JACK: That’s good teaming. GAVIN: Why would you do that? GEOFF: Oh shit, Jack. MICHAEL: I dunno. Shit happens. GAVIN: You tried to murder me! RAY: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? MICHAEL: Gavin, I wanna get to the Nether before I murder you. GAVIN: [startled noises] GEOFF: Oh shit, creeper. JACK: Alright, don’t worry about him. RYAN: [chuckles] JACK: You got him. GEOFF: I got him. JACK: You got a sword. RAY: [lava observing sound] RAY: I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to run in… and try and fight them at some point… Which will probably result in me dying. Unless I threw all my roses, which will then result in me dying But.. you know… MICHAEL: You’ll look cool RAY: Stylistic fashion. RYAN: Ah! No! No no! RYAN: Don’t burn! RYAN: Get out! GAVIN: Oh, did I chuck that in? I did as well, didn’t I? GAVIN: I wasn’t paying attention. RYAN: Oh my God. GAVIN: Drop one, Michael! MICHAEL: Huh? GAVIN: Don’t drop one. MICHAEL: Okay, we need flint. GAVIN: [whispering] Hey. Michael. Michael. RAY: Coal? MICHAEL: Yeah. GAVIN: [whispering] Should we murder Ryan? RYAN: [whispering] Stop it. I can hear you. RAY & JACK: [repressed giggling] MICHAEL: Yes. Probably. RYAN: I don’t have anything. Stop it. MICHAEL: You have iron armor. GAVIN: [startled squeaking] He’s flooded it. He’s flooded it. RAY: Well that’s just mean. ALL: [stifled laughter] RYAN: Go away. GAVIN: [quiet laughter] RYAN: Noo! MICHAEL: And he’ll die. RYAN: You guys are assholes. [collective noises of sympathy and triumph] MICHAEL: Oh! Ryan had diamond! GAVIN: Oh sweet! Gavin: [giggling] RYAN: Well, shit. RAY: Somebody brought the ruckus over there. MICHAEL: How much did he have? How much did he have, Gavin? GEOFF: Oh shit! Did somebody – Somebody brought the ruckus? GAVIN: Somebody may have died. It might have been Ryan. GAVIN: [gasp] He had four diamonds. MICHAEL: To be fair, I only attacked Ryan to save Gavin’s life. MICHAEL: Because he was gonna kill- RYAN: Whatever! MICHAEL:He was gonna die. GAVIN: [giggling] MICHAEL: Gavin assaulted you and you were gonna MICHAEL: kill him because Gavin sucks RAY: Ryan, this is the time for revenge. GAVIN: I gave him a couple taps and I legged it. RAY: Not against Ray, though. JACK: Hey, Ray! You and Ryan should team up. RAY: Nah, I’m good. JACK: Slaughter Gavin and Michael RAY: Nah. I’m good. RYAN: Yeah, what am I gonna slaughter them with? RYAN: Am I gonna beat them to death with my map? GAVIN: [giggles] MICHAEL: Alright, we need to get the hell out of here. We need to get some flint. RAY: Just raise your kilt. GEOFF: Are you gonna map ’em? JACK & RYAN: [laughter] GAVIN: Map ’em into next week. Michael. Michael: Gavin. MICHAEL: Yeah? GAVIN: Let’s go far away from here. GAVIN: Let’s get flint. RAY: Coal? GAVIN: [attempted repressed laughter] RYAN: I had frickin’ everything I needed. Except for flint. Could not find any. GAVIN: I was hoping you had flint. That’s why I murdered you. RAY: Coal? MICHAEL: Well you did, to be fair GAVIN: [laughter] Ray. JACK: [giggles] JACK: Ray’s on fire today. GAVIN: Like a retarded person. RAY: No, I’m fine. I’m not on fire. GEOFF: He’s on somethin’ MICHAEL: Find – find flint, Gavin. RAY: Coal? MICHAEL: I’m working on this over here. GAVIN: Alright. Are you gonna build a portal? JACK: [wheezing giggling] MICHAEL: No, but if you give me the thing I will. JACK: [continues] JACK: What are you up to, Geoff? GEOFF: Oh, I was collecting some iron for us. Cus’ I wanna make a… uh… GEOFF: Somethin’. JACK: Alright. Sounds good. GEOFF: A [hissing sound] Rhymes with “mauldron” RAY: Why would you make a cauldron when you could just use a body of water? Save your iron. GEOFF: [tsk] Yeah. Why did I do that? RAY: Oh God! RAY: What are you doing down here? Get outta here. MICHAEL: Gavin come here. What are you wearing for armor? Nothin’? RAY: Ow. GAVIN: What am I wearing? RAY: Prickin’-ass prick. You’ll be dead. GAVIN: I wish we bloody had some flint. MICHAEL: Gavin, come here. RAY: Coal? GAVIN: [singing] Put on some trousers! JACK: You know how to do it? GEOFF: Yeah, I just have to grab it. JACK: Okay [chuckles] GEOFF: ‘K. JACK: Alright, let’s, uh… GEOFF: Yeah. GAVIN: Man, not even… Okay, I’m gonna dig up. GEOFF: You’ve got smooth stone, right? JACK: Um, I’m makin’ some, yeah. GOEFF: Okay, cool. JACK: I’ve got… GAVIN: Oh! Can you make an iron shovel, Michael? GEOFF: Can you make a shut-the-fuck-up? [loud collective “Ooh!”s] RAY: Geoffrey, what are the ingredients for the shut-the-fuck-up? MICHAEL: Can you make it, though? GEOFF: [sings “Diamonds” in the syle of Dick Van Dyke] GAVIN: So who’s wearing the trousers in the Geoff/Jack relationship that’s goin’ on right now? JACK: It’s just a co-op. GEOFF: It’s a pair of three-legged pants. MICHAEL: Nice. GAVIN & JACK: [chuckle] RAY: Best pair of pants. MICHAEL: Dude, they’re about to fuckin’ head to the Nether, Gavin. JACK: Alright. Let’s do this. GAVIN: Should we just instead just go an kill them? JACK: You wanna go first? You want me to go first? Oh! You know what? Let’s get- do you have any cobblestone on you? GAVIN: I’ll tell you want, let’s… JACK: Take a lot JACK: Because the ghasts can’t destroy cobblestone. GEOFF: Yeah. GAVIN: Anyone see Lost last night? Or? JACK: Alright. Ready? GEOFF: [chuckles] JACK: You want to go first? GEOFF: Yeah, let’s go. JACK: Good luck. See you on the other side. GAVIN: Ohh! Jack and Geoff enter the Nether JACK: We are in the Nether. GEOFF: Entering the Nether. JACK: My hands are sweaty. GAVIN: Good luck finding the bloody Nether fortress. JACK: That’s cus’ I have a problem. GEOFF: Um. Holy shit, Jack. JACK: [amazed laughter] GEOFF: Holy shit. GEOFF: Just shut up. GAVIN: [screeching] What?! GAVIN: [pterodactyl noises] GEOFF: Just shut up. MICHAEL: Did they really appear at the- GAVIN: They spawned in the fortress! GEOFF: Just shut up. RAY: So go destroy it. GAVIN: [continued screeching of disbelief] RAY: Go destroy their portal. Michael: We don’t know where it is, though. GAVIN: Oh, Michael. Change of plans. RYAN: I know where it is. RAY: Nobody looked at the map before they went in? RYAN: I did. MICHAEL: I sort of know where it is. RAY: Okay. RYAN: [chuckling] MICHAEL: I’m gonna head to it if it seems MICHAEL: Like I can find it. GAVIN: That is bollox! JACK: Oh my God. GAVIN: How did they do that? RAY: Well, it’s like they went in before and found it, right? GEOFF: No. RAY: Geoff, are you cheating agin? GEOFF: No. GAVIN: Good lord! GAVIN: What a load of quiffle. JACK: [giggling] MICHAEL: Gavin. MICHAEL: I’m gonna try and find their portal and destroy it. GAVIN: Do you know where they were? MICHAEL: Sort of. GAVIN: Don’t destroy it, follow ’em in. GEOFF: Holy fuck, man. JACK: [giggling] RAY: What are the chances of that? GAVIN: I literally just said GEOFF: Where’d you go, Jack? GAVIN: “Good luck finding a fortress” JACK: I went up one layer. GEOFF: Wow, dude. That was fuckin’… GAVIN: Aw bloody sausages. JACK: What are the odds of that happening? GEOFF: Pretty fuckin’… JACK: [giggling] GEOFF: Pretty rare, but pretty awesome. JACK: That’s gonna- JACK: No. Now people are gonna watch this and be like “Oh, that’s bullshit. Obviously they went in beforehand.” GEOFF: Yeah, no. People might- JACK: Don’t- you know not to hit that guy, right? GEOFF: Yeah, that’s a zombie pigman? JACK: Yeah, he won’t hurt you unless you hit him. GEOFF: Yeah, I’m not gonna fuck with him. GEOFF: If he doesn’t fuck with me. MICHAEL: God! Dammit! GAVIN: God, I’m so annoyed now. MICHAEL: Alright, we need to fuckin’ forget it MICHAEL: and just… GAVIN: Where’s their portal? MICHAEL: I don’t know. We need to forget it and just get flint of our own. RAY: Coal? JACK: Set it and forget it. GAVIN: Yeah, but then we’re gonna be… GEOFF: [Gavin voice] Goddamn, Michael. MICHAEL: They don’t have shit yet. GAVIN: There’s no gravel anywhere! [explosions] RAY: Fuck. GEOFF: I am not finding… MICHAEL: I just found gravel. RAY: What is happening?! GEOFF: a fucking blaze rod to save my life. RAY: WHY IS A GHAST SHOOTING AT ME IMMEDIATELY?! JESUS CHRIST! GAVIN: [baffled noises] Ray? What? RAY: WHAT? GAVIN: W-where’s the Nether? RAY: The- [frustrated grunts] I’m in the Nether. GAVIN: Yeah, but how- where’s the portal? RAY: I don’t know! I’m dealing with a ghast right now! MICHAEL: Did you build your own or did you find theirs? RAY: He is pushing my shit in. GAVIN: There’s- [laughter] JACK: I think- MICHAEL: Gavin! I got flint. RAY: There are TWO of them! GAVIN: You got flint! MICHAEL: Yeah. GAVIN: Oh! Let’s Go! RAY: I need to get out immediately. GAVIN: Let’s haul ass, Michael JACK: Wait. RAY: Holy shit. GAVIN: I love you. JACK: Flynt Coal? RAY: Fuckin’ [nervous sounds] Oh my God. Alright. GAVIN: Wow. They have a tremendous advantage. RAY: They are bringing the ruckus. MICHAEL: Where are you? GEOFF: Where is this stuff right here, Jack? RAY: [grunt] RAY: Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! JACK: Uh, where are you? RAY: [strained noises] GAVIN: Michael, are you here? JACK: Whoa. Those are mushrooms, aren’t they? MICHAEL: I’m on my way to you. RAY: Woo! GEOFF: It’s nether wart. JACK: Ah, I’ve heard of that shit. GEOFF: I’ve never actually seen it before. Huh. GAVIN: Ray’s bloody- RAY: Made it out alive. GAVIN: Got a semi of some sort. RAY: Alright [laughs] goin’ back in. MICHAEL: Did Ray already get the blaze rod? RAY: No. I ran out to compose myself. MICHAEL: Alright, Gavin, come here. GEOFF: Have you seen a- so… how hard is it to find a fuckin… MICHAEL: Nice. Do you have enough, Grabbin? GAVIN: Ah, I bloody misplaced it. MICHAEL: Gavin, do you have enough? GAVIN: Yeah, yeah. I got loads. I got enough to even build one while we’re in there. MICHAEL: Alright, good. Because I have six. GAVIN: Six. Okay. I’m gonna just wedge- GEOFF: I hear somethin’. GAVIN: [mumbling] Do this. Do this. Do this… JACK: Does it sound good or bad? GEOFF: It sounded bad. GAVIN: Light that bitch up! RAY: Ow! MICHAEL: Well, I had to make the damn thing. RAY: Alright. GAVIN: Oh yeah. Do you not have a flint and steel yet? MICHAEL: Guess. GEOFF: There’s a lot of noises up here, Jack. GEOFF: Oh fuck! UHH. What is that? GEOFF: Is that a magma? MICHAEL: What is that under again? The flint and steel. JACK: Is it a – is it a bouncy square thing? GEOFF: Yeah. JACK: Yeah, that’s a magma cube. GAVIN: Go down from shears. GEOFF: Well, that’s easy as dicks. Oh no! There’s more. MICHAEL: What the fuck?! JACK: They’re like slimes. Yeah, they split. MICHAEL: I DIDN’T FUCKING PICK IT UP CUS’ IT WAS FULL. MICHAEL: Dammit. GAVIN: Ryan! MICHAEL: It’s down the waterfall. It’s right down the waterfall. GAVIN: Oh! Ryan’s got it! RYAN: Ahh! RAY: Uh oh. RYAN: No I don’t. GAVIN: [futile cry] RYAN: I actually don’t have it! Leave me alone! RYAN: I just died! (gah) MICHAEL: It’s right- there’s like a shitload right here. RYAN: Go away! MICHAEL: I HAD IT! WHERE IS IT?! GAVIN: Michael! RAY: What’d you guys lose? MICHAEL: I had flint. RAY: Coal? GAVIN: Why wasn’t I finding gravel? There’s bloody loads of it. MICHAEL: Oh there it is. There’s some. Okay. GAVIN: Oh, I got some too. RAY: There’s bedrock on the side. that’s weird. MICHAEL: Good. I’ll grab it. GAVIN: So, when we’re in the- when we’re in the Nether, Will we see them on the map again? MICHAEL & RAY: No. MICHAEL: But when we get to the Nether, check our coordinates. Don’t say it out loud. So we remember where we got through it. GAVIN: Okay. Hey, Michael. Do you have an iron block? RAY: Ow. JACK: That was probably a good idea. GAVIN: Ah, there’s one here. RAY: Why don’t I have a bow? MICHAEL: Check it out. Here. JACK: I can make a table and I can make a- GAVIN: Let’s! GEOFF: You don’t need a table to make torches GAVIN: Go! MICHAEL: Ryan just set us on fire! JACK: Really? GAVIN: What happened? MICHAEL: Ryan- GAVIN: OH MY GOD! MICHAEL: -set us on fire. RYAN: [maniacal laughter] GAVIN: Oh no! JACK: I don’t have any coal. JACK: I don’t have any coal. I have wood. MICHAEL: There’s fuckin’ water right here, buddy. GEOFF: I’ll… Here, I’ll make some more. Hold on. RYAN: Hey, it’s the best I could do. You left me with fuckin’ nothin’. RAY: That is true. GEOFF: Here, her you go, Jack. MICHAEL: Alright, let’s do it. MICHEL: Let’s do it. GAVIN: Let’s take everything out of our furni. GAVIN: Okay, let’s go. GEOFF: I just gotta find this goddamn thing. GAVIN: Alright. Do you need to check our coordinates? GEOFF: How far have you, uh, explored? MICHAEL: No. When we get to the other side, we’ll do it. GAVIN: [shouting] JACK: Uh, I’ve gone to the end. I’ve done a little digging. Not much. GAVIN: Here we go, Micoo! RAY: There’s always a blaze thingy in the Nether fortress, right? GAVIN: OH! Top! JACK: Supposedly. RAY: Good answer. GAVIN: Oh! Michael! MICHAEL: Hang on. GAVIN: Look at it. JACK: By the sound of that, JACK: It sounds like Gavin might be here too, Geoff. Keep an eye out. GEOFF: Alright. RAY: Is this the first time we’re all in the Nether? GAVIN: Is this theirs? Is this their portal? RAY: Oh! Ho ho! MICHAEL: Stay together. Stay together. GAVIN: Stay together at all costs. RAY: WHAT THE FUCK?! My portal spawns in, like… another planet. GAVIN: Michael, let’s go kill Jack. RAY: I’m in GhastLand just in case anybody wants to know. GAVIN: Let’s go kill Jack. MICHAEL: Alright. let’s kill him if we can find him. RAY: It’s nice. Rides are cheap. JACK: Oh shit. RAY: Admission was a little expensive though. GAVIN: Oh crap. I’m running out of food. Oh God! MICHAEL: You have a bowl? GAVIN: Yeah, I got a bowl. RAY: LIGHT IT UP! GEOFF & JACK: [laughter] GAVIN: Don’t – make sure you don’t attack the zombie pigmen. MICHAEL: [shouting] Don’t go that way! Don’t go that way! GAVIN: No, it’s okay. It’s okay. There’s just a- MICHAEL: It’s a giant flying thing! GAVIN: [screaming] You weren’t kiddin’. MICHAEL: Ow. RAY: I was on fire briefly. GAVIN: Blew out the mic a little JACK: Oh, someone just warped in GAVIN: Where’s the, uh… RAY: Oh, is Ryan in? GAVIN: RYAN’S FOLLOWED US! RYAN: [chuckle] GAVIN: Micoo! JACK: “Micoo.” GEOFF: I’ve lost you, Jack. MICHAEL: Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. GEOFF: Did you go back down? MICHAEL: Kill Ryan! GAVIN: [determined grunts] [confused noise] [screaming] OH GOD! RAY: Uh-oh. JACK: Alright, Geoff, you come this way. GAVIN: [continued screaming] MICHAEL: Ryan lavaed the room! GAVIN: I’M ON FIRE! RYAN: [quiet chuckling] JACK: Alright, Geoff. Geoff. Do this. See what I’m doing? Do this. MICHAEL: You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. GAVIN: [whimpering and blowing noises] JACK: Your name drops off the map. GEOFF: Okay. RYAN: [laughter] GAVIN: [continued whimpering] RYAN: It’s the only weapon I have. RAY: I’m a one-man team. GAVIN: Michael, I’m not in a good way. RAY: Team Tuxedo Mask. MICHAEL: Do you have- are you regenerating health? GEOFF: Where- where did you go, Jack? GAVIN: Yeah. JACK: What? RAY: Is he? MICHAEL: Who gives a shit about them for now? GAVIN: Alright. MICHAEL: We can always build a new way out of here. GAVIN: Let’s just find a blaze. RAY: Oh. You can? That’s awesome. I probably should have got more obsidian. Ow. ‘Sup, dude? Just hangin’ out with your sword. Just chillin’ What happend to your face? Do you have AIDS? …Is this what AIDS does to you? GAVIN: full-blown? RAY: God, AIDS are scary. GEOFF: Hey, Jack. This way. RAY: I got a… RAY: …magma cream? JACK: [giggle] this is the most intense chase ever. JACK: [laughter] MICHAEL: Dammit! It’s all dead-ends! GAVIN: Man, we need- RAY: Yeah, the Nether is not being kind to me. GAVIN: Let’s go up or down. Cus’ sometimes you can drop into levels below. MICHAEL: Go down. GAVIN: Go low. MICHAEL: I’m gonna follow you down this hole you made. Okay? [explosion] RYAN: Ow! Ow. MICHAEL: Alright, we need to get the hell out of here. RAY: Oh! I see them! Kind of. RYAN: [quietly] No. GAVIN: How about this way? GAVIN: [repressed snickering] JACK: Lemme know how it goes down there, Geoff. GAVIN: He set himself on fire! MICHAEL: Gavin! Back up. GAVIN: [giggling] GEOFF: Nothin’ JACK: Yeah, I think that’s like the outside of a window. GAVIN: No it’s okay. He’s taking the source-block. GAVIN: Although it’s still lingering. RYAN: I dead. GAVIN: [laughter] Let’s go get his stuff! RAY: I’m sorry, Ryan. MICHAEL: Dude. MICHAEL: What stuff?! He doesn’t have anything. RYAN: Yeah, really. You took all my stuff. MICHAEL: Also- GAVIN! You almost pushed me in lava. GEOFF: It was intense. MICHAEL: There’s stairs dead ahead there. Think that’s the way to go? GEOFF: This is intense. JACK: You see ’em? GAVIN: Try it. Hang on. I’m gonna take Ryan’s stuff. RYAN: I didn’t have anything. MICHAEL: He doesn’t have anything. GAVIN: He had a bucket of lava! GEOFF: Dude, this is crazy. RYAN: I dumped it out already. MICHAEL: Geoff and Jack are doing very well. RAY:I think they’re out. So at what point are they gonna fuck each other over? JACK: We have to assume that they have destroyed our portal, by the way. GEOFF: Oh, that’s… GAVIN: Ooh! That’s a good idea. Let’s do that, Michael. RYAN: [laughter] MICHAEL: Okay, if I knew where the hell it was. GAVIN: Wow. How many lavas did you have, Ryan? JACK: The problem is, Geoff, we don’t have any obsidian. RYAN: Just one. RYAN: I just used it very, uh, judiciously. RAY: “How many lavas”. GAVIN: [hissing] GEOFF We can’t use water in the Nether. RYAN: Oh fuck. Creeper. Aah. Creeper. RAY: God, they were just over here. What the fuck? JACK: Oh! I did not know that. MICHAEL: Gavin! Gavin, over here. Over here! RAY: They were just over here! MICHAEL: Behind you. Behind you. Over here. RYAN: [chuckles] JACK: Geoff, come over here and get ready. GAVIN: Hang on, hang on. I’m just picking up stuff. RAY: Maybe if I go up? GAVIN: I’m picking up this bucket so we can use it. MICHAEL: Hurry up. Come here. RAY: There is lava right above me. GAVIN: I don’t need bone meal. RAY: I’ve really fucked myself. RAY: Self-fucking incoming. GAVIN: Why’d you do that? JACK: It’s that side right there. JACK: That’s the top. MICHAEL: Oh my God. I’m leaving you behind. GAVIN: Don’t leave me behind. MICHAEL: Come this way. GEOFF: You sure about this? JACK: Yeah, that’s them right there. That’s the top. GEOFF: Yeah. MICHAEL: Jack and Geoff are both up here! GAVIN: [startled cry] MICHAEL: And they both suck cus’ they’re getting their ass kicked in. JACK: [chuckle] MICHAEL: Jack’s dead! JACK: Oh, I’m down. MICHAEL: Geoff’s almost dead. GAVIN: Die, you little rinse pot! GAVIN: [squeak] GEOFF: Goddammit. MICHAEL: MOGAR, BITCHES. RYAN: Wow. RAY: Wow, he killed both of them. GAVIN: Takin’ the Nether by storm! RYAN: That was impressive. GEOFF: Goddammit. MICHAEL: Do we have the blaze rod? Do we have what we need? JACK: Yeah, grab it. GAVIN: I don’t think we have- JACK: Geoff, you dropped the blaze rod, right? GEOFF: yeah. FUCK! I dropped the blaze rod. MICHAEL: Dude, you guys got fuckin’ slaughtered. RAY: WHERE AM I?! JACK: [chuckle] Here, I threw some more back in there for you. MICHAEL: Dude, check to see they have any food. Grab the food first. GAVIN: I’m gonna stand by their portal. CREEPER: [explosion] GAVIN: and wait for them to come back. RYAN: Whoops. RAY: Is this what the inside of an asshole looks like? RYAN: So much for that. RAY: Pretty sure I’m in someone’s asshole. JACK: Um, well, are.. we got some sticks. RAY: This is somebody’s asshole! JACK: We got… we can make torches. RAY: This is somebody’s tight butthole. RYAN: [laughter] GAVIN: there’s some food, Michael. RAY: I can’t escape. GAVIN: That’s useful to us. MICHAEL: Grab it. Jack: …how much wood do we have? Did we take it all? We took it all with us. RAY: My- I’m gonna.. I give up. GAVIN: Alright, do you want to take some of these buckets or something? RYAN: [chuckles] RAY: Alright. GAVIN: What is this crap? GEOFF: Dammit, man. We were set. GAVIN: Oh my god. look at this palce. GEOFF: They don’t know that thing that I know that I told you about. JACK: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true. GEOFF: I don’t think. Maybe they do. GAVIN: What was the thing? GEOFF: Nothin’ GAVIN: Guys, what was the thing? MICHAEL: How to make what we need. RAY: Guys, what’s The Bucket Trick? GEOFF, JACK, & Ryan: [laughter] GAVIN: Bucket Method, Ray. RAY: Fuck off. Gavin: [snickers] MICHAEL, GEOFF, JACK & RYAN: Ooh! JACK: C’mon now. GAVIN: Michael? MICHAEL: Yo? GAVIN: I’m scared, Michael. MICHAEL: Don’t be. GAVIN: Where are you? MICHAEL: I’m looking to see what we need to create the blaze rod. GAVIN: Oh. RAY: They don’t just drop it? MICHAEL: I don’t know. No one said that. GAVIN: Do they drop, like, blaze goo or something? RYAN: Has anyone actually seen the creature that- GEOFF: No. RYAN: -drops that thing. JACK: No one has. RAY: I am positive they do. GAVIN: I have not seen a blaze. MICHAEL: You fuckin’ joshin’ me? You guys were crouched like sneaky fucks. JACK: [chuckles] GAVIN: Were they really? RAY: Were they? MICHAEL: Yeah. I had no idea they were up there MICHAEL: I got up there and they were both there waiting for me. JACK: I got within, like, a wall of you. JACK: Multiple times. Where I was watching you on the other side, waiting for you to pop up. You never did. JACK: And then we were- MICHAEL: I popped up eventually. JACK: Yeah, we were waiting for you at the top of the stairs. You assholes had full armor though. So… GAVIN: Fully-blown. RAY: Did you guys not have full armor? JACK: No. RAY: Rookie mistake. JACK: [laughter] GAVIN: Never too busy not mining and doing The Bucket Method. GEOFF: We didn’t think that you’d get to the, uh… JACK: Yeah, we didn’t think you’d find the fortress. GEOFF: We didn’t think you’d get to the fortress that fast. GAVIN: We didn’t think we’d spawn in your Nether portal. RAY: I didn’t think I would spawn on the other side of the planet. JACK: Oh, did you? MICHAEL: Uh, I dunno if we spawned in it. GAVIN: I think we were close. JACK: Well, if you’re close enough to it – Oh, someone just came out of a Nether portal, Geoff. Watch out. GEOFF: That was me. GAVIN: What’s all this shite? What is all this? RYAN: By the way, Ray, I think I may have accidentally closed your Nether portal. RAY: S’alright! JACK: If you, uh, if you build Nether portals JACK: On the outside world GAVIN: Ah, I’ve got warts. JACK: Too close to each other. You spawn out of the same one. MICHAEL: What else is new? MICHAEL: Alright, we need to kill the… something. GAVIN: I’ve got a wart. GAVIN: The Bucket Method? RYAN: [chuckle] RAY: Flynt Coal? MICHAEL: Don’t kill The Bucket Method, Gavin. RAY: The, uh, you’ll know who the blaze guys are. GEOFF: They, uh.. MICHAEL: Dude, we’ll find some blazes. We’ll fuckin’ blaze up. GAVIN: Ooh! Ray’s down here. Not far away. I don’t think we should kill Ray, cus’ he’s clearly not doin’ well. RYAN: [tuh] MICHAEL: Yeah, I don’t wanna fuck with Ray. RAY: I am a…What if I told you I- RYAN: Hey, that didn’t stop you before. GAVIN: GHAST! RAY: What if I told you I left an asshole But then entered another one almost immediately? GAVIN: [giggling] MICHAEL: Did we come up this way, Gavin? GAVIN: You can’t hit me, you dumb idiot. GAVIN: You can’t [grunt] MICHAEL: Really, Ray? RAY: I’ve got nothin’. I have nothing else to do! I can’t do anything! [whimper] I’m sorry! JACK & RYAN: [laughter] RAY: I’m sorry, I finally found it. RAY: [struggling sounds] GEOFF: What’d you find? RAY: I just found them. What the hell happened there? GAVIN: Bloody. I’m just waching Mogar. RAY: I can’t do it! MICHAEL: Dude, a little help, Gavin! Get in there! Get in there. I’m almost dead, get in there. GEOFF: Geez, you got ’em, Ray! GAVIN: CHARGE! JACK: Get ’em, Ray. Chase ’em down. GAVIN: [nyoom] RAY: There’s two of ’em. JACK: You can kill one of ’em. MICHAEL: Run! RAY: You guys couldn’t take out one. MICHAEL: Run, Gavin! We have food. MICHEAL: Sprint. Don’t worry about it. GEOFF: Dude, he got ’em. GAVIN: Sprinting after R- ow! GEOFF: Alright, Jack, where are you? RAY: UH-OH! JACK:Uh, go- go to the portal? RAY: Oh, I’m dead. I’m dead. GEOFF: You gotta… GEOFF: So, what do we need, Jack? JACK: Uh, iron. RAY: This won’t help at all! GAVIN: Michael! RAY: Maybe it will! JACK: Well, I mean… RAY: No, it won’t. Oh! MICHAEL: Bye, Ray! GAVIN: [laughter] RYAN: [sympathetic groan] JACK: I mean, we could go back through right now. RAY: What the fuck? MICHAEL: You came at us, remember that. JACK: We should probably get a little bit more prep this time. GEOFF: Yeah. GAVIN: Oh, that was Ray comin’ at us! MICHAEL: Yeah! I turned the corner and he started whoopin’ my ass. RAY: Yeah, I dropped down behind you. I’m like, “Well… alright.” MICHAEL: Fuck. Everyone wants a piece of Mogar. GAVIN: Man, Mogar’s undefeated so far. MICHAEL: yeah, I’m sure I’ll get murdered in the end, no doubt. But… JACK: I’m curious if… If Michael and Gavin go back through the protal Where they’re gonna end up. If they’re gonna end up through their portal or our portal? GEOFF: Hmm. GAVIN: Paradox! MICHAEL: Dude. GAVIN: What? JACK: What? GAVIN: What? MICHAEL: The world may never know. RYAN: I like how you were instantly confused by your own statement. GAVIN: I’m gonna hit this fireball. GAVIN: Come at me [grunting] MICHAEL: Dude, you’re gonna fucking die. GAVIN: Wow. Nailed it. See that? MICHAEL: Did you? GAVIN: See that? GAVIN: Oh, check this one. [louder grunting] Gah! MICHAEL: Really, Gavin? GAVIN: I’m pretty convinced there’s no blaze spawning in this freakin’ fortress. MICHAEL: I don’t know what they fuckin’ look like. GAVIN: We’re definately in the one-point- oh it’s a magma cream. JACK: [chuckles] MICHAEL: [fighting noises] GAVIN: [squee] Tiny li’l maggies! JACK: The way you said “cream” was just kinda creepy. MICHAEL: There were a ton of “li’l maggies.” GAVIN: [chuckle] RAY: Holy shit. RAY: Sorry, sheep. MICHAEL: We have to stay in the fortress, right? GAVIN: That, well, usually there’s spawners that are in the fortress. But I haven’t seen a single spawner. Maybe there aren’t any. JACK: Alright, I got some iron, Geoff. MICHAEL: Have faith. We can find this GAVIN: Oh, suck a butt. GAVIN: [strained hitting noise] GEOFF: Found coal. GAVIN: Gah, you slut. GEOFF: That’s somethin’ JACK: Flynt Coal? GAVIN: Oh-ho! Wiped that mof out. GEOFF: Oh, I found iron. Fuck. GEOFF: Wouldn’t it be funny if, uh… you just couldn’t get a blaze rod in this? MICHAEL: No. RYAN: [chuckles] JACK: Have we- have we established that it actually is possible? I mean… GEOFF: No. RAY: Have we? JACK: We haven’t checked that. MICHAEL: No. We have not. GEOFF: Somebody internet. JACK: I mean, they have the stuff to make it. Or like, the potion stuff. So, you figure they would at least allow it to be built. GEOFF: Yeah, right? JACK: You would think. GAVIN: How do you door? JACK: Ask, uh, ask Kara. MICHAEL: Man, it just says the fuckers drop ’em. And that they’re in or near the Nether fortress. GAVIN: Aaah! GAVIN: Near. MICHAEL: That changes everything. RAY: Changes everything up. GAVIN: Wow. How… GEOFF: Do you need some iron? GAVIN: Are these two fortresses side-by-side or is it just one big one? MICHAEL: Blaze! GAVIN: Blaze! JACK: We also need some pickaxes too. MICHAEL: Where are you?! GAVIN: Blaze! RAY: You know what would be funny? If after all this Ryan wins. RYAN & GEOFF: [laughter] RYAN: I wouldn’t worry about that too much. I have got bupkis. I’m trying to rebuild my entire inventory for the second time already. GAVIN: [screams] RAY: Yeah, so am I. MICHAEL: You alright there, Gavin? GAVIN: I’m on fire. GEOFF: Be careful when you come out. GEOFF: They flooded it with lava. GAVIN: With lava, but… GEOFF: I fixed it. MICHAEL: Ryan went nuts with lava. RYAN: It was my only weapon! MICHAEL: Gavin! You’re running towards fuckin’ two people! RYAN: Scared the shit out of them. GAVIN: Am I? RAY: Is he? GAVIN: OH! Oh, Micoo! RAY: Oh! They’re out in the Nether. RAY: They’re out in the Nether. GAVIN: [squeaks] Oh no, Micoo! RAY: Get ’em. Maybe. Perhaps. I dunno. Do whatever you want. GAVIN: Michael? MICHEAL: Dude, you ran off. I’m nowhere near you. GAVIN: Come to me. JACK: Watch it, watch it, Geoff. Watch it. RAY: Oh, he does. RAY: I mean jerk off. GAVIN: [heavy breathing] GAVIN: SHIIIIIIIT! JACK, RYAN, and GEOFF: [laughter] JACK: Get ’em, Geoff. Get ’em. Get ’em. Get ’em. Get ’em. He’s hurt. GAVIN: RUUUUN! JACK: He’s hurt. GAVIN: [screaming] GEOFF: Where is he? JACK: Follow me. JACK: Follow me. GAVIN: [screaming continues] GAVIN: Michael? RYAN: Without the power of Mogar. JACK: Follow me. RYAN: He stands alone. JACK: Oh, he’s so boned. What the fuck is he doin’? RAY: He’s probably leadin’- MICHAEL: Just keep runnin’ RAY: He’s leading you to Michael. JACK: Awn. He pinned me in the corner. He got nothin’ out of me. JACK: He’s buried himself in. RAY: Satisfaction RAY: There’s a song about it. By Benny Benassi. GAVIN: Ow. ow. MICHAEL: Later, Geoff. GAVIN: OH! Mogar comes from behind! GEOFF: Ah shit. JACK: [disappointed groan] MICHAEL: Holy shit. GEOFF: Alright. No problem GAVIN: Mogar saves the day! JACK: No worries. GEOFF: No problem. We’re back where we were. MICHAEL: We passed the portal. On the way to save your life GAVIN: Oh, we did? MICHAEL: I passed it. GAVIN: Let’s kill it. MICHAEL: Why kill it? GAVIN: Let’s destroy it. MICHAEL: We need it to get out, don’t we? GAVIN: Nah. I’ve got enough obsidian for another one. JACK: There you go, Geoff. MICHAEL: Well, I don’t know where it was. I passed it somewhere. MICHAEL: Just hauling ass to you. JACK: It’s over there. GEOFF: Thanks. GAVIN: Oh sweet. GEOFF: [exhausted sigh] Should we try again? MICHAEL: Oh, it’s over here. I, like, busted out of the wall to save your ass. JACK: Uh, yeah. lemme make some more shit. GAVIN:Yeah, that was top. I totally had it, but that was top. RYAN: [chuckles] GEOFF: Alright, let’s try again. JACK: Watch out for… GEOFF: Just stay away from them. JACK: Watch out for those morons coming through the portal. RYAN: Hey, uh, What skill level are we on? GEOFF: Uh, normal, I think. MICHAEL: We’re on normal. GEOFF: Oh weird, dude. It took me to a different portal, Jack. JACK: Oh did it? GEOFF: Yeah. JACK: Oh, probably because they turned off theirs- they turned off ours. GEOFF: Oh, okay. GAVIN: Oh, they’re above us. GAVIN: Michael, they’re above us. GEOFF: Hey, what’s up, Ray? JACK: Hey, Ray, what’s goin’ on, man? RAY: Shh. Shut up. GEOFF: Sorry. JACK & RYAN: [chuckle] GAVIN: Wow. Everyone’s in the Nether. MICHAEL: Gavin, give me some cobblestone RYAN: I’m not. GAVIN: Cobblestone? JACK & GEOFF: [laughter] JACK: So EVERYONE’S in the Nether. GAVIN: [bubbling noise] RYAN: Fuck you guys. RAY: Oh hey. What’s up, buddy? GAVIN: Hey, buddy. RAY: Here, need some bread? MICHAEL: Ray, please- oh. RAY: Have some bread. GAVIN: I appreciate your offering. RAY: Thanks. JACK: [scared fighting noises] MICHAEL: Is it poison bread? RAY: Have some wheat too. JACK: Shit. Ow. JACK: Fuck. Well, I might be dead, Geoff. JACK: Can you – can you eat magma cream? GEOFF: I don’t know if you can eat it or not. RAY: Alright, comin’ down. RAY: Mind the Puerto Rican. JACK: [screams] I’m on fire. MICHAEL: Gavin, give me some iron. JACK: I’m on fire. JACK: Oh, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, come here. MICHAEL: Gimme some iron. GEOFF: What can I do? MICHAEL: Give me some iron. JACK: Take my shit. MICHAEL: Ray has a sword! RAY: Passing through. MICHAEL: Jack was killed by Geoff. JACK:I threw it all down. GAVIN: Oh, I just get- GEOFF: I was trying to put you out. RAY: [screaming] MICHAEL: Drop it. Drop it. MICHAEL: Drop it. JACK: You were putting me out with a sword? GEOFF: I don’t know. I panicked. GAVIN: AY! He took one! He kept one! RAY: No! I- you gave me three! I gave you all three! MICHAEL: You wanna fight Ray back for one, that’s fine. GAVIN: I gave you four! I gave you four! RAY: You gave me three! JACK: Alright, where you headed, Geoff? GAVIN: You know what? RAY: Check your fucking inventory. RAY: Aww, goddammit. MICHAEL: I like how you started screaming. MICHAEL: I let it- I let it slide, Ray. Give me the iron. JACK: Geoff, I’m coming to you. GEOFF: Okay. JACK: Where the fuck did you go? GEOFF: I’m hidin’ from the ghasts. GEOFF: Alright, I lost my fuckin’… MICHAEL: Dude, I’m not seein’ shit! JACK: You lost your axe? Here, you want mine? MICHAEL: Are you leavin’ Gavin? GEOFF: You got an extra one? GAVIN: No, I’m just gonna see where this leads to. JACK: No. I have one, but you can have it. JACK: Here. GEOFF: Thanks. GEOFF: I don’t think I got it. GAVIN: Oh, they made a budget one. JACK: You get it? GEOFF: Yeah. JACK: Okay. MICHAEL: Did they? They’re all down here. There’s Ray. Jack and Geoff are over on the other side. GAVIN: Hey, Michael, let’s kill ’em. MICHAEL: No. I don’t want to kill them. I just want to find the shit. GAVIN: I wanna kill them now. MICHAEL: Every kill of this game so far has been self-defense. RYAN: That is not true at all. GAVIN: [static laugh] MICHEL: Yeah, it is. RYAN: Fuck you. GAVIN: Except for the time where we just- MICHAEL: Gavin attacked you MICHAEL: And I had to save his life from you. RYAN: I wasn’t even attacking him back. MICHAEL: Yeah, but you could have. GAVIN: Michael. GAVIN: I think it’s very important that we kill Jack and Geoff now. MICHAEL: Oh yeah? GAVIN: Yeah. MICHAEL: Do they have something? GAVIN: They don’t have something, no. MICHAEL: Huh? RAY: What? GAVIN: What? MICHAEL: What are you talkin’ about? Speak English. JACK: Gavin’s screen-looking. GAVIN: What? MICHAEL: you Caleb-ing? JACK: He’s pulling a Caleb. GAVIN: How am I screen-looking? GEOFF: You Caleb-ing? GAVIN: No! RAY: Fuckin’… that’s the worst kind of person. MICHAEL: Alright. You wanna kill’ em, let’s kill ’em. GAVIN: There’s clearly no blazes on this map. RAY & MICHAEL: Just blaze! JACK: [giggles] That’s so dumb. GEOFF: [chuckles] JACK: Be careful, they’re crouching too, Geoff. So… GEOFF: It’s really weird too cus’, like, The Nether fortress that Ray and I found last time we found one was huge. JACK: Was it? GEOFF: Yeah, it was so big. GEOFF: This seems so small compared to the one… RAY: Well, granted it was in… GAVIN: No, this one’s pr- oh! RAY: …the tutorial world. MICHAEL: You were underground for, like, eight minutes. GAVIN: Oh! Look! There they are! GAVIN: Let’s get ’em. MICHAEL: Who cares?! RAY: Let’s get ’em. Tunnel snakes rule. MICHAEL: And now I have to save your ass again. MICHAEL: Because they’re gonna double-team you and kick your ass. JACK: Watch it, you’re goin’ right at ’em, Geoff. GAVIN: [screaming] Charge! MICHAEL: Gavin! GAVIN: Ow. JACK & GEOFF: [laughter] JACK: He ran out of the corner and I smacked him with my sword. GAVIN: Micoo. Let’s get ’em. MICHAEL: I [sigh] I don’t want to fight, but Gavin’s forcing me. GAVIN: [excited whimpering] JACK: Then just let Gavin die. RAY: You’re like Jackie Chan in those movies where he just doesn’t want to fight. MICHAEL: I need him for now! RAY: But he has to. GAVIN: [scared grunt] RAY: Which is all of them. GEOFF: [sighs] JACK: Enjoy your magma cream. GEOFF: Alright. Congratulations. JACK: Aw dammit. MICHAEL: I take no solace in that victory. JACK: Geoff, you must have walked into my bed. MICHAEL: Oh, there’s some wheat over here. GEOFF: Well, this is a problem. JACK: That sucks. Alright. GAVIN: [muffled laughter] GAVIN: Michael, I went and, uh I went and broke their beds. JACK: Nice. GAVIN: And then we killed them. MICHAEL: Oh. Did they have beds in the Nether? JACK: See? Shit like this is like, “Fuck it, let’s build a house.” MICHAEL: I thought you couldn’t. GEOFF & RYAN: [laughter] JACK: It’s like, “Alright…” JACK: Because Gavin is not trying to win. He’s just- MICHAEL: Of course we are! JACK: Actively- GAVIN: Of course we are! MICHAEL: We’re looking for the fuckin’ blaze rods! MICHAEL: You guys haen’t found one either. JACK: That’s why he was chasing after us? Trying to kill us? MICHAEL: If we fuckin’ kill you along the way.. JACK: I mean, Gavin- JACK: Gavin’s just being a really big bully right now and it’s really upsetting! ALL: [laughter] MICHAEL: It’s true. Gavin is being a bully. MICHAEL: Gavin, he makes a good point. MICHAEL: Stop being a bully. JACK: My emotions are really hurt right now.