What if Steve Talked in Minecraft? (Parody) – Season 1 Episode 1

Steve from minecraft doesn’t talk we’re gonna fix That well i wanted to have an adventure i guess getting lost counts and why the hell didn’t i pack any supplies like a map or armor or a weapon or food oh god i’m gonna starve i haven’t eaten in like 45 minutes ooh hello there mr chicken ah nothing like killing chickens with

Your bare hands yeesh i’m gonna need a shelter for the night i can start fresh tomorrow let’s see i gotta make some tools should be able to get some wood from this tree um maybe if i just hit it it’ll oh oh god that was dumb

Ah if at first you don’t succeed slap it with your broken noodle hand until you do uh guess this tree hasn’t discovered physics yet yeah that’s normal oh yeah this is much better a few more of these and i should be able to make a crude axe and hopefully a splint

There we go now let’s build some stuff hopefully i brought some duct tape because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing hope i can make myself a grill to use this on oh god i’m out of shape i will never make fun of coal miners ever again bacon ah Thank you piggy you will be missed but we’ll make a great breakfast should probably make that shelter now maybe i’ll just set up in a cave until i can build a permanent base of operations dig in a cave i’m digging a big old cave yes i’m super lazy i’m digging a cave

Ah jeez it’s getting dark better get everything inside before all the undesirables come out not you horsey you’re a good horsey now stay here and be bait for me from whatever that is the locals whoa well hello there looks like i have a visitor go away no one’s home i’m not buying

No speaking creeper shoe go away go kill that horse nothing well it was worth a shot um oh guess he got bored better go out there and handle him so he doesn’t cause any more problems stop trying to break into people’s houses wow well that was an overreaction what evolutionary advantage does exploding

Solve and now i’ve got a big hole in my field man killing cows i love killing cows and uh what the oh hey there sir sir could you please tell me how i could find the ender dragon the ender dragon that’s certainly a difficult task don’t worry i came

Completely unprepared well first you need to kill some endermen get their eyes gross then you need to build a portal to the nether uh-huh in there you have to find a fortress inside there will be blazes yeah kill them to get their rods okay which you then grind into dust

Okay i’m bored i got it don’t worry i kill things take their eyes go to hell crush things up it’s fine i’ll figure it out ah there we go yeah three steaks should do it i can feel them coursing through my heart valves now this stone equipment really isn’t gonna

Do it i need to find some iron i guess it’s time to go spelunking but first i gotta kill that thing don’t blow up my field or me i guess oh it’s dark down there oh this was a bad idea yeah but when does that ever stop me yay iron

There’s gotta be more down here somewhere oh i heard you zombie don’t you come out and bite me what did i say oh this is a bad idea i’m gonna fall and yeah bad idea i am wet i am cold i am having to eat lukewarm

Pork and i’m pretty sure my knees have been crushed into powder this quest sucks there we go i am now covered in iron armor other than my feet and i can barely move this was a horrible idea oh god upside i’m going to be ripped after i

Run around in this stuff long enough i should be able to use this to make some glass for a better base that way i can actually see outside it what’s waiting patiently to kill me oh my thighs are burning oh my thighs are burning

All right oh time for me to find a good place for a new base of operations the cave is getting a bit crowded and smoky who knew a cave i dug in the side of a hill wouldn’t have good ventilation i think a mountain might be a good place

Allows me to look over the land and keeps death through the direction of below me another cave yeah might as well see if i can’t find some more materials oh it’s hot down here we’re just gonna block this off to make sure i don’t stupidly melt off my own skin but i’m

Pretty sure it’s already fused with this armor what the wood someone else must have been down here before probably mining or something and now they’re not here which either means there’s nothing down here or they’re all dead both of those options don’t bode well for me ooh

Emeralds cool i can make my non-existent girlfriend some jewelry and i’m lost down here great maybe this is how all those miners died oh diamond yes never mind best blocking mission ever i can use this to finally get some obsidian and build that stupid portal zombie

So this is where you all come from good luck coming back to life now also i’m taking your treasure what a bunch of junk what the hell what else you all got and more junk i guess zombies don’t really have a concept of value do they what is this stuff made out of

Oh my traps and lats and zats and cats and other muscles that i don’t know the names of this better be a good spot because climbing this mountain was a [ __ ] i’m never doing this again yeah this looks like a good spot good view away from predators plenty of

Mountain cows for food yeah that’s normal time to begin my masterpiece building a house i’m building a big old house oh man i’m running out of materials i’m gonna have to get out this mountain and go gather more yeah i’m gonna need a bridge or something because otherwise this is gonna suck

Now this is one good-looking bridge if i say so myself god willing i never have to come back down here and use it ever again there we go my masterpiece of a rectangle oh yeah what a view look at all that land that i will never go visit because getting off this

Mountain is a [ __ ] and getting back up is even worse now it’s time to build that portal to hell and i don’t have enough i’m gonna have to go back down there whose idea was it to build on a [ __ ] mountain i’ll miss you home i’m not sure i’m ever

Climbing back up here i am so lost it’s got to be this way right damn it maybe this way damn it well i got my obsidian but that was a giant waste of time it is complete hmm i should probably build walls around it or something just in case something

Comes out of the portal i don’t need hell coming to me and for the finishing touch a door okay let’s light this pig here goes nothing actually i need supplies first okay now here goes nothing oh that feels weird huh oh ah it feels like my organs are on the outside now huh

Kind of thought hell would be more on fire and screamy this is a just a cave oh here’s some lava that’s a start but where are all the demons specifically the ones i need to kill so i can harvest their body parts there’s no way out of this stupid cave

What the hell kind of portal spot me in the middle of the cave with that accent ow um hello mr pigs i’m stuck build stairs before they eat me build stairs before they eat me don’t eat me and i won’t eat you whoa big hole no thank you

Lava falls and whoa what the [ __ ] is that thing it’s like a cardboard box with legs and a bad comb over i will find a way out of this cave ah success huh i wouldn’t have thought hell would have a forest but here we are now see that that’s the hell i was

Expecting this not so much oh there are endermen down there hey ender people i need your eyes hello guess they can’t hear me i’m gonna need to find a way down there here we are all right let’s get some eyeballs uh excuse me ender thing i need your eyeballs you okay with that

No guess not we can do this the hard way where you rip out your own eyes and get them to me or the harder way where i take them by force take your pick by force it is pansy could have ripped out his own eyes damn it where’d you go you tall bastard

Ah there you are damn it Stop doing that what the hell is up with the giant flying marshmallow that jump bad jump but i’m burning i burn it and somehow i don’t think stop dropping and rolling is gonna help and now we’ve got giant burned hopping marshmallows give me some chocolate and some graham crackers and i’m gonna love

It down here well let’s see if i can’t find this fortress i’m supposed to kill stuff in marshmallow attack ah conflicted i always kind of hope to go out this way and i’m lost in hell perfect my mom always said this was gonna happen eat your vegetables or else you’re gonna

Get lost in hell oddly specific but i guess i can’t judge her now well this direction doesn’t appear to be any better should have taken a left back at the giant death pillar that looked like all the other death pillars well it’s a fortress not the one i need

This one is full of pig people oh stop snorting at me come on where’s this [ __ ] fortress home sweet home i found you am getting some sleep and i’ll go back tomorrow sorry don’t take it personally i just need more food if i’m going to spend the rest of eternity exploring hell except

For you stupid pigs this is personal you and your stupid demon counterparts go ahead and repair this stuff so it doesn’t end up breaking while i’m down there and getting me killed oh shut up mr stay puft whoa that was some volatile spit if you weren’t dead i’d say you need to get

That checked come on skeleton i’mma get you i’ma get you come on stupid sand there we go that stop spinning at me yeah i killed the nature brothers one of it come on i’ll eat all of you Where is this stupid thing i’m starting to think that old man was just [ __ ] with me find blazers get their rods grind him and combine them with joyce seriously why did i ever believe him and now i’m lost in hell again i’m really starting to worry that if i

Spend much more time down here i’m going to get infected by a demon or something i wouldn’t worry about it oh shut up nope i’m not looking at you not looking at you nope nope nope nope i always tend to lose those staring contests when you

Inevitably try to eat my face i’d eat your face well that’s just rude i might as well build a house here i’m never gonna find the damn thing i have a house here well i’m not using it i am never gonna find this damn fort is that is that skin yes

I found a fortress how the hell am i gonna get up there oh a window i can get in there breaking and entering sounds delightfully evil i’m here to kill demons so i’m killing evil killing is evil i’m not gonna win with you am i no i’ve been torturing people for eternity

Welcome to the club whoa what’s that my minion oh does that hurt well it was my minion well now it’s dead who’s the rude one now you like that you like that not really no get out of my head you first it’s my head well then i guess we’re at a

Stalemate girl i hate you oh these are what i need to kill to find the ender dragon the ender dragon yes i’m trying to kill the ender dragon good i hate that guy wait you’re not a minion of the ender dragon i am a minion of no

One if you kill him you’d be doing me a favor oh really yes with him gone i could take over the world well now i’m not sure i want to oh come on no come on no come on only if you promise to get out of my head fine

And not take over the world deal deal now shut up and let me do this i can’t promise that so what are you doing exactly what did i say about talking it’s been a while i just figured it’s been 10 minutes i was just wondering

I have to kill these things to get their rods which i then crush up and combine with eyes or something like that Some old guy sounds crazy i know right there should have enough i think good Good so you can’t take over the world if the ender dragon is alive no is he like stronger than you no of course not then why don’t you kill him because i don’t want to deprive you of the satisfaction no no i wouldn’t mind no it’s your mission i’m not gonna do it

For you because you can’t can can’t can can’t how about you don’t talk anymore you clearly don’t know me very well all right we’re about to go into the real world can you handle it don’t worry about me trust me i won’t ah natural light yeah i don’t like it

Much either anyway this is my house i’m an adventurer not an architect clearly whatever seeing as i’m gonna have you in my head for a while what do i call you call me the weather all right witty the wither withy i’m steve you ready to go on an adventure yes steve

Yes i am