Beating Minecraft The RIGHT Way.

If you think you know how to beat Minecraft…  you’re wrong. But, don’t worry, because I’M gonna   show you how to beat Minecraft… THE RIGHT WAY  (oh god what is he planning?) It’s pretty much   common knowledge that step one is to get wood for  tools- *incorrect* actually, uh, the correct step  

Is to go straight into the mines, and go into  third person mode to make sure no creepers sneak   up on you. So let me just press the third person  button… As I was saying, step one of beating  

Minecraft is to mine and gather resources. (I  think he pressed the wrong button.) But watch out,   because sometimes these mobs think they can  sneak up on you- *laughs* I got you with the   banana buddy! Better think twice about  sneaking up on me! I’ve been reviewing  

Minecraft speedruns for a while, so now it’s  time for me to show you how things are done.   An important part of beating Minecraft is just  appreciating how beautiful it is – the blocks,   the wildlife (donkey kong sounds), the  soundtrack – wait, what’s that music  

Playing? OH MY GOD!! Don’t forget to upgrade to  the diamond armor. If we’re gonna continue mining,   we gotta get these creepers out of here. You can’t  trust ’em. Now pigs, even my grandma knows that   pigs are harmless. So I’m gonna finish up mining  these materials, and move on to the next step  

Of BEATING MINECRAFT. OH MY GOD HE GOT THE HAM-  sleeping is extremely important in the world of   Minecraft. Now that it’s a new day (and actually  Minecraft?) step two is finding the endermen,   and to get to them, I’ll use Minecraft’s  fastest form of transportation… THE MINECART.  

Before I start this bad boy up, I’m just gonna go  into 3rd person mode… Now as I was saying, the   mine cart IS the fastest form of transportation  in “Minecraft.” And uh, little pro tip here,  

If you hold down space RIGHT after the 2, YOU GET  A- *sighs* … not again 🙁 Second place baaaby!   We’re gonna find those endermen in no time! You  ever see Minecraft Steve do THAT? Nuh uh, I don’t  

Think so. I’m the greatest at Minecraft, I am the  best- *gets walloped* hehe, that was actually uh,   videogamedunkey’s joke. Alright, Ayundaru back on  the controller! Ha ha! I’m the BEST!- This was…   uh this wa- this was actually my sister playing!  Alright NOOOW I’m playing! No more funny busines-  

*funny business ensues* That was actually my uh-  my… GRANDMA. Seventh place?! I got endermen I   need to get to! I COULD HEAR RED SHELLS FROM A  MILE AWAY! Time to pass these fools! They don’t   know I have Minecraft’s most powerful weapon!…  THE TRIFORCE! (totally legit.) Mine carts are the  

FASTEST… FORM… of TRANSPORTATION! Yeah! That’s  what I’m talking about BAAABY! And would you look   at that! I found some endermen (I mean he’s not  wrong.) So step three of beating Minecraft is we   have to fight these MEN for their JEWELS. And  the best way to battle in Minecraft is in 3rd  

Person mode. So let me just press F5 here… (oh  God what game is he playing now?!) Awwww ya now   THIS is a boss battle! Check out these Minecraft  Steve combos: RIGHT! LEFT! UPPER-CUT! OVER-HAND!   These endermen didn’t know what hit ’em! Oh jeez!  aw! Gah-OH! Jee-OH! JEE- Alright these endermen  

Are pretty strong. I’m gonna have to use their  weakness against them. Water- Telephone club   banners! Cough up those ender pearls BUDDY!  *endermen diarrhea sounds* HUH! The legendary   ender-poo! Alright. I’m gonna have to be honest  here… (FINALLY SOME ANSWERS!…) I am REALLY  

Tired from fighting those endermen. And now  that we’re one step closer to beating Minecraft,   I’m gonna take a short break and enjoy  Minecraft’s AMAZING soundtrack by GETTING   JIGGY ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Minecraft has got one  of the… one of the best sou- soundtrack… The  

Best- the be- best music… M-… Minecraft has-  … ev- everyone knows… *clears throat* EVERYONE   KNOWS Minecraft has the greatest soundtrack  of all time! It’s better than Roblobs, it’s   better than Forknite, it’s better than Super Mario  Galax- (I think he’s being sarcastic.) “Watch out,  

Because I’m gonna put your dancing skills to  shame?!” DJ! Turn my song on again! NO ONE   disrespects Minecraft Steve’s dancing skills and  gets away with it! MInecraft Steve’s got the best   looks! (so hip!) The best moves! (so stylish!)  The best- uhhh… Company? (so cool!) Alright.  

No more dancing… no more dancing… *GASPS*  A KARAOKE MACHINE?! Japanese translation:   “Time and again, I’m a fool, I’m no good  at all…” *Minecraft Steve crying* She   left me for a villager! *Steve wails with grief*  WAIT A SECOND. I got a game to beat! Now that  

We got the ender pearls, step 4 of beating  Minecraft is acquiring the blaze rods. And   after the new update, everyone knows that the  only known location where they’re available…   is in another dimension… the ne- SPACE…  S P A C E… S p a c e… s p a c e- So in  

Order to craft a spaceship, you just have  to assemble your space rock like so. THAT’S   what I’m talking about BAAABY! 3… 2…  1… BLAST-OFF! (Oh brother what’s next?!)   Maaaan! Minecraft in space?! Now I know where  that 380 million dollars of yearly revenue is  

Going to! This is WAY better than new types  of wood!… Or different colored armor!…   Or microtransactions -_- Aaaaaw yeah that’s what  I’m talking about! You ever see Minecraft Steve in   SPACE?! First off, I’d like to thank my Grandma!  I’d never be here in space if it weren’t for her  

Incredible skills at Mario Kart- So the plans  to the death star say that Herobrine has the   blaze rods, and he’s somewhere around here. So  step 4… point 1 of beating Minecraft is some   light intel gathering. Are you Herobrine?  *slips* … Nope. Are you Herobrine?…  

That’s okay, take your time. (playing “You Better  Swim”) LISTEN! Just tell me where to find the   blaze rods and no one gets hurt!… *slips* …  Well he’s definitely not Herobrine. This is for   killing my dog! This is for destroying my base!  This is for stealing Minecraft Alex from me! This  

Is for… Minecraft! OH MY GOODNESS! It can’t  be!… Herobrine?! (oh God this is so cursed) I   will defeat you and acquire the precious chaos  rods! “You come upon me?!” Ah! He said it! He   said the famous Herobrine line! Take that!  “Weeee!!” AHH! His Minecraft energy is too  

Strong! Oh my glob! Herobrine, the strongest  foe in Minecraft. Even stronger than the Ender   Dragon and the Wither combined!- oh. *laughs*  He died just like that? *GASPS* The legendary   mine rods!… Now that I got the blaze rods  from Herobrine, step 5 of beating Minecraft  

Is defeating the Ender Dragon. But first, I  have to add this powder and toss these balls   in the sky. So my balls have told me that  the way to the Ender Dragon is underground,   and uhh, hold on here, I’m just gonna go  into 3rd person mode… (oh no not again) …  

What?… Were you expecting something to happen?  Here we go baby the end gateway, which is gonna   send us into the special ender realm to fight the  legendary Mine Lizard! Everyone knows this boss   fight has a pretty epic soundtrack, so I’m just  gonna turn my volume up before this fight… Wait,  

That was the button for 3rd person mode-  (what in tarnation is happening?) *plops*   I’m ready. Man this game is for babies… It’s not  even realistic!… It’s just a bunch of blocks-   OH MY GOD!! Luckily, Minecraft Steve is one of  the toughest fighters in the universe! *plink* I  

Missed?! Ha, you guys aren’t gonna believe this,  but I actually have been purposefully missing to   show you what not to do on step 5. So now, just  easily hit the dragon like so. *plonk* … WHAT?!  

Oh my goodness! I hit him! I hit him again! I’m  the best! I’m the world’s greatest Minecrafter of   all time!- *dies* This is CLEARLY too challenging.  It’ll be easier in 1st person mode.   *Switches back to Minecraft* … Ah, never mind this is pretty boring. I’m gonna go back to playing Dark  Souls 3. Now THIS is what a netherite sword and   shield should look like BABY! The Ender Dragon’s  got nothing on me! ONE! TWO! THREE! Ha ha! You  

Missed! Ooh! You almost had it, you gotta be  quicker than that! … *dies* … Alright,   ya know what? It’s possible that my deaths WEREN’T  purposeful- Ha! I’m kidding guys, do you really   think I’d die in MINECRAFT?! This game is easy  peasy, I mean even a baby could beat Minecraft  

In 5 simple steps- *dies* … Well the dragon  is CLEARLY cheating. So I actually made some   uh… Minor upgrades… *gun loaded* OFF-CAMERA.  Hasta la vista, BABY. (epic music montage) Aw man,   I gotta pee so badly! I’ve been training for this  moment my whole life, under the guidance of the  

Master of close quarters combat, MY GRANDMA.  You missed! I got a gun now Ender Dragon,   what’d you think about that?! Aw no!…  The Ender Dragon’s flying away! Welp,   gonna have to wait 10 minutes for her to  perch now. SIKE! Now look at this epic  

Attack the dragon can do! (Meanwhile, Minecraft  lookin’ like minesweeper compared to this.)   DANG… You ever see the  Ender Dragon do THAT? Nuh-uh,   nope! I don’t think so! This is it! I’m about  to beat the game! FINALLY! *splat* heh heh,  

Uh this was actually one of my employees playing  at our $1,000,000 gaming facility. UH looks like   somebody’s getting a pay cut! *laughs* Did you  guys really think I’d sell out like that?! I   don’t even have employees!… OR MINECRAFT- I  finally did it Grandma!! That’s how you beat  

It BAAAABY!!- (Grandma confused on the other  end of the phone call.) “Uhhh… That’s great   sweetheart!… Did you need anymore money?” No!  Don’t you wanna hear about how I survived farming   twenty bajillion pickles in Minecraft hardcore one  block? (Grandma hangs up.) AND THAT’S HOW YOU BEAT   MINECRAFT, by not playing it.