The Presidents Go to a Dangerously Haunted House…

Now that was a solid ass workout Arnie my chest is sore already Donald all you did was eat six protein cookies while the rest of us were lifting well I didn’t say it was sore from working out I have acid reflux Jesus I feel so swole I can feel my body shredding beautifully

Like a Greek sculpture we gotta do this more often Kim you did one jumping jack then took a 30 minute break only to walk on the treadmill at two miles per hour yeah it was great I think I beat my personal record today I guess it’s true that working out with

Friends does motivate you to surpass your limits I feel like Vegeta emerging from the hyperbolic Time Chamber ready to kick perfect cell’s ass more like fat boot can Vegeta never kicked perfect cells ass one on one wait seriously working out definitely made me feel like

I was in my 20s again I feel like I can take on the whole city nightlife plus it’s still early so what should we do now oh I know what about a post-workout meal Donald you did not even lift yeah but that doesn’t mean I’m not hungry

Well that was something I can’t believe that Chinese buffet instantly flipped their open sign to closed once they saw Kim and Donald get out of the car I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen in my life and I have been around some insanely large bodybuilders this is

Outrageous I understand if they were intimidated when they saw Donald approaching he is practically like the blob from the X-Men but why me I’m probably like the leanest one here this is a lawsuit waiting to happen you cannot deny a paying Patron entry from your establishment during during working

Hours solely based on their looks or how much you anticipate they may eat that’s literally the risk of being a big eater restaurant this is discrimination at its finest I may have an idea on how to get you guys in however it does involve some duct tape a handlebar mustache a fedora

Sunglasses and a very large trench coat that you can both fit in back in my early years this was how my friends hula hoop Holly and cinnamon crusted Chris were able to trick the cashiers working at the box office into allowing us to buy tickets for a rated R movie oh of

Course back then cinematography wasn’t as refined as it is nowadays and usually involved still pictures of crayon drawings on a napkin which were then projected onto a screen using an Indonesian Shaman’s innate telepathic abilities what the hell is he saying Joe are you suggesting that either Kim or

Donald climb onto the other shoulder to Grant the illusion that they’re an adult Joe they can’t get into the buffet because they’re too overweight not because they need to look like an adult oh Fiddlesticks I thought I was on to something well what the hell are we

Going to to do now I may have an idea look at this Mr presidents oh golly a Game Boy Arnie I enjoy your Innovative mind but we cannot eat electronic devices you silly goose Joseph this is not a Game Boy this is a Spirit Box it allows you to detect abnormal radio

Frequencies allowing you to communicate with ghosts also I know that you cannot eat it I’ve tried in the past you tried to eat that oh fascinating ever since our encounter with the skinwalker I’ve been looking into ghost hunting equipment myself you ran into a skinwalker yeah about a month ago Arnie

You know the best way to rid one of those entities from the premises is to Slick oneself in oil and masturbate furiously right see I told you Donald I’m still mentally scarred to this day uh no I was going to say oil oneself then strike a front double bicep pose

Usually the spirits are then too shy to be in the presence of your intimidating physique and will thus begin haunting gyms as they attempt to amass gains is this actually true the most active entities go to Metroflex or Gold’s Gym while the fata Spirits tend to haunt

Planet goodness either that or KFC the prime signal that a gym is being haunted by a fat ghost is if the ghost is bicep curling in the squat rack fascinating this cannot be serious right wait I do that there is a house not too far from

Here called The Crying alley oh I see it on Google the house has amassed many reports of immense paranormal phenomena yes including whales and crying so loud that even the houses next to it and the people on the streets across from it can hear well maybe the crying was just due

To a failing marriage you would know all about that wouldn’t you Donald starving as well well talk about kicking a man while he’s down yes Donald I would say that would be a reasonable assessment only problem is the house is vacant no one currently lives in it it

Could be some sort of hobo sex ritual those are quite common in abandoned houses in North Korea no like I said it is vacant no one lives in the house and no homeless people currently occupy it what if the sound was due to a mage Ironclad in his Enchanted ceremonial

Garment summoning an ancient Celestial being into so you five have run into a skinwalker but think that the more logical conclusion for these strange accounts is a failing marriage a mage summoning a Celestial entity and a hobo sex cult I never said it was a cult merely a ritual there’s a big difference

This is what I have to put up with every day Arne anyways the places of highest activity is the basement the child’s bedroom and last but not least the kitchen my God it must be a descendant of Donald’s why the hell do we keep allowing this guy to tag along with us

Come Mr presidents I shall Drive oh hell yeah more spooky adventures guys we cannot seriously be thinking of doing this again again it’s all right Joey this time we have both me and Arnold here twice the slicked up bodies means twice the chance that we’ll be safe [ __ ]

Oh [ __ ] I really shouldn’t be tagging along to these Adventures it isn’t good for my heart neither is it good for Donald’s but you don’t see him complaining that’s because I’m in the process of meticulously brainstorming ways on how I can kill you Kim tonight

In this very house I’m gonna do it and I’ll frame it on the ghost good one Donald wasn’t joking I’ve had it with your jokes and I’m seriously going to murder you tonight but are you actually serious holy [ __ ] did anyone else hear that please tell me I wasn’t the only

One to have registered that we have a Jeffrey Dahmer Among Us so pardon me for asking Arnie but what exactly prompted you into ghost hunting well as you know my aspirations were initially to come to America and become a bodybuilder an actor after being in the movie scene for

A while it got a little stale so I decided to find new hobbies then when I saw how dead the audience turnout was for Terminator dark fate I decided that was the last straw so I decided to take a break from the movie scene and explore

The dark fate after death which as you know George is ghost hunting fascinating also I liked what you did with the whole dark fate bit that truly is a heartwarming story but can someone please tell me that they heard what Donald said I need someone watching my

Back in here if he seriously wasn’t joking oh hush Kim Donald wouldn’t hurt a fly I’m sure he was just horsing around he was gonna kill and eat me last stranded atop Everest don’t be so dramatic Kim come Mr presidents let’s head inside I have all the equipment we’ll need for

This investigation wow this house looked just like Nana’s old place Joe did your nana live in a crack house of course not Donnie uh however she did smoke crack on occasion she also had the same clown doll as that one in the corner there whoa well that’s not creepy at all

That’s not the only thing George take a look around us notice anything strange oh I see the orbs right correct the Ghost in This House must be a strong one if we can see orbs already oh [ __ ] damn it guys why the [ __ ] can’t we ever go

Anywhere nice like a femboy Hooters or something is there something you’re trying to tell us Joe Mr President’s look the EMF Rita is detecting signs of activity how does that do Hickey work anyhow well if my understanding is correct it reads electromagnetic frequencies and detects any abnormalities left behind by paranormal

Activity precisely George good job I’m impressed what a teacher’s pet do I get a gold star Arnie you can get one peck Flex did you guys see it uh no well hopefully the ghost saw it and got intimidated by the looks of the EMF Rita it looks like it did it’s gone quiet

Where exactly was the source of the electromagnetic abnormalities it was right in front of us where the doll was sitting oh [ __ ] what the hell where in the camel [ __ ] did Nana’s doll go oh [ __ ] what the hell was that quickly missed the presidents it came from the

Kitchen don’t run too fast Kim otherwise you might trip and fall and who knows some Falls may prove to be fatal what the hell did anyone else just hear Donald guys please someone tell me my eyes are playing tricks on me because I think I see Nana’s doll whoa that’s spooky

Spooky George it should be impossible calm down Joe I’m sure there’s got to be some sort of explanation for this Donald how the hell are you so calm after seeing a doll move by itself from one room to the next honest answer Joe after being at so many wrestlemanias I’ve seen

Stunts done that defy physics and should be virtually impossible compared to that this isn’t all too impressive if you really want to impress me clown then do a backflip either that or smoke crack like Joe’s Nana May her soul rest in peace well no wonder people heard crying

From the kitchen there’s nothing in this Pantry but fiber bars and whole grain snacks oh wait here we go finally something good a cookie jar Don’t Mind If I Do whoa holy [ __ ] damn holy chocolate [ __ ] well Donald did that meet your expectations what Oh you mean the

Gust of wind that just blew it across the room Donald how the hell can you be so skeptical even after our previous adventure to the Johnson Mansion it’s called being pragmatic Barack always fact check what you see in here and you’ll never fall prey to the deceptive

Web of Lies that the mainstream media spins Mr President’s Luke oh man that doll is gone again and I think I know where it went looks like it wants us to go to the bedroom man that is one freaky doll Donald get your mind out of the gutter especially with Arnold here

Spearheading the investigation the least you can do is treat this seriously and be respectful towards him Kim get the oil ready and let’s slick our bodies up already on it Arnold say do you mind lathering my back because of my insanely large biceps it’s hard to reach back

There yes I am working on it so this is the plan Mr presidents although you may not like it I need someone to volunteer don’t worry I’ll take one for the team I even came with protection what the what the hell do you plan on doing in there

Wait what isn’t that what you were insinuating I mean the ghost was leading us to the bedroom and we were oiling each other up I thought that was the game plan although that would surely scare the ghost into vacating the premises Kim I think Arnold’s plan has a

Bit more sophistication and depth to it thank you Mr President what I was going to say was that I need a volunteer or two to go in the room with the Spirit Box use it to try to communicate with the ghost and make it active once it

Makes its presence known I’ll leap into the room and jump scare it with a vacuum pose that should send it back to KFC so who’s going to go in [ __ ] it I’ll go and Joe’s coming with me come on Joe oh [ __ ] why do I have to go it’s actually a good

Idea an excellent way to bait out a spirit is to have one individual who does not believe in them and one that is deathly afraid of them well hold on Donald I know you’re currently mad at me and had enough of my jokes but I just

Want you to know that I still care about you and your safety goodness how wholesome so with that having said take off your suit and let old happy ending parlor Kim rub some oil into your inner thighs to protect you against whatever entity lurks within that bedroom what

The [ __ ] Donald this is actually a good idea and Kim you should go with them if you run into trouble at least Kim’s oiled body will be in the room to protect you from any spectral assault we all must make sacrifices for the greater good Donald have fun in there hey stop

Shoving me I will continue oiling as we enter the room well what do we ask it hello is anyone here well that’s all I got Jesus that’s all you guys can come up with come on I’m the skeptic and even I can think of some better ghost icebreakers than that well

Go for it then Donald since you seem to be the Ghost Whisperer hello can whatever is in this room speak through this device and tell me its name I’m quite a famous person you know billionaire playboy 45th president I even showed up on WrestleMania several times it’s the only time you’ll ever get

To speak with the super celebrity such as myself if you’re angry at me for trying to eat your cookies earlier I apologize I also give Donald the silent treatment whenever he goes through my pantry and eats my snacks look I wasn’t really a Believer before but recently we ran into a skin walker

Perhaps you’re related now Donald that seems insensitive to assume are you saying all Spirits look alike Donald that’s racist give me a break you cannot be racist against a spirit we don’t even know where this thing came from not through [ __ ] oh holy [ __ ] well I’ll be damned

Quickly ask it for its ASL Kim are you trying to hook up with a ghost well I mean I’m already oiled up so why the hell not not imprisoned suffering [ __ ] oh [ __ ] please someone get me out of here what the hell if it’s not a ghost then what the hell

Is it threatened with imprisonment and it likes crack it’s probably Hunter Biden what do you guys think Donald’s talking about in there probably how he thinks Wendy’s is superior to Burger King either that or he’s threatening to deport the ghost if it doesn’t show him its Green Card well either way I’m sure

They’ll figure it out we have two presidents and one supreme leader in the room surely they have overcome more difficult obstacles than this nice job Jason off the spirit Kim now it won’t respond anymore all that I proposed is that we play naked twister what it’s a good bonding activity bless your soul

Kim maybe now my heart won’t implode in my chest well any more bright suggestions Kim maybe we should ask Barack to come in here and do a rain dance perhaps that will spur the spirit back into action weren’t you just reprimanding me for saying something racist how is that racist don’t all

Wakandans know how to rain dance holy [ __ ] guys look the ghost is writing in your Journal Arnie how incredible ghost hunting is as exciting as building a pump and one’s bicep at the gym except in these cases I build a pump in other places in my body you know what I mean

Barack uh no can’t say that I do it’s saying it’s not from this world the whales and cries emanating from the house as the spirit slowly melding from its Dimension into ours it doesn’t belong here tell it we know that and we will try to get it back to Planet

Fitness as soon as possible no it’s saying it doesn’t belong from this world at all it’s not even a ghost then what the hell is it can you please let us know what you are or where you are from it says from my Dimension light is to

You what darkness is to me a shroud so suffocating and overwhelming that it brings about eternal Bliss both to those who welcome it and to those who do not we are the reliquary of the Damned the being with a thousand faces what in the world does that mean I think that’s a

Line from Green Eggs and Ham look it’s still writing in darkest night even light may die we watch from the dead trees we watch from the Weeping Stars the time is near and our arrival cometh so prepare little lambs for the gift of death we come with Mr presidents I have

Been on my fair share of ghost hunts and I can say I do not like the sound of this I suggest we leave oh [ __ ] I think it’s getting angry that we’re leaving my chest [ __ ] Donny’s getting possessed stand back Joey the power of Christ tells you Spirit stop that Kim keep it

Up Kim it’s weakening it give me back my friend Hunter you crack fiend by Allah’s wrath be gone ghost ouch did that work Donald my obese friend are you back with us I was never gone you idiots I was just having acid reflux again from the protein cookies oh

It’s getting too dangerous Donnie get out here we gotta go holy smokes what’s going on out here the spirit is trashing the whole building guys I think I figured it out I know what the spirit is what is it isn’t it obvious it’s a Democrat peacefully protesting in death

As it did in life Look it’s even breaking the windows and everything too guys we have to get the hell out of here Mr presidents I advise caution sometimes these Spirits may follow the last person it interacts with well where the [ __ ] do we go I’m not taking this thing back to

North Korea I think I may have a place in mind foreign wow did you guys see the manager’s reaction when the chow mein started floating around by itself can’t say I blame him for pissing himself certainly that was a once in a lifetime experience Mr presidents I just wish we could have

Figured out who or what that thing was I’m more shocked that Joe’s plan with the trench coat worked and we were able to get into the buffet sometimes all you need is a little faith Barry those [ __ ] had it coming they’ll learn to Rue the day they denied Daddy Donny

Entry to an all-you-can-eat buffet someone please help me I feel like I herniated three of my discs light is to you what darkness is to me the being with a thousand faces what does it all mean [ __ ] I can’t focus this late it’s four in the morning I’ll have to try my

Hand at this another night maybe Elon will know haven’t heard from him in a few weeks though hope he’s all right